How to Program a Sex Robot: List-Based vs Open World
There are two ways to approach the programming of sexuality & sexual functions into a sex robot.
Sex can be envisioned as a set of serialized, goal-oriented tasks that must be accomplished in a given order by the bot. Or sex can be explored as an open world experience with side missions available that allow the bot to deviate from the primary objective in order to aggregate more experience/pleasure/adventure points.
In the list-based model, the bot is programmed with a number of checkpoints it must reach with its human partner. These may include items such as Comfort, Attraction, Consent, Arousal, Physical Stimulation, Climax, and finally Auto-Climax (if the bot’s reward system is programmed to include some kind of auto-climax function).
These checkpoints may not need to be reached in a strict chronological order: Consent, for instance, may come before or after Comfort. Certain thresholds would, however, have to be reached before others: Consent would need to come before Physical Stimulation, and Arousal would usually come before Climax.
A list-based model gives the bot a clear set of goals which may be reached by performing a varied but limited set of tasks. This simple, straightforward model avoids confusing the bot and ensures that a safe, acceptable-minimum level of pleasure is guaranteed to the human partner.
The open world model may still include many of the same primary objectives, but these are accompanied by a layer of secondary objectives which can be more open-ended. These secondary objectives can be treated as side missions which may or may not directly contribute to the primary sexual objectives, but which may be based on an alternative reward system made to emulate in some ways the human sense of adventure.
Having sex under the stars, for instance, may actually detract from the primary objectives of Arousal and Climax due to temperature or comfort factors. As such it would have no place in the list-based sexual model.
In the open world model, however, the bot is programmed to see value beyond its rote set of basic tasks, and perhaps even to recognize the uncommon as a kind of value in itself (within certain limitations). It is thus driven to seek experiences and adventures that deviate from the fundamental elements of its sexual functions.
This can then become a sort of ‘Let’s Try This…’ subroutine which can be inserted as an IF-THEN initiative loop to be presented to the human partner for final approval during any given sexual encounter.
Trying out new sexual functions, activities, locations, velocities, and angles may be added to the bot’s reward system as an expansion pack to ensure the bot’s programming continues to evolve as it learns new things, as well as to avoid monotony for the human partner. The bot’s primary objectives would, of course, still remain as overarching principles running in the background, gently guiding the side missions, and available to be completed whenever desired by the human partner.
1. She never wants to hang out and talk about her feelings; she just wants to come over, have dirty nasty sex, then leave.
2. She always comes over to your place, you never go to hers. You never have to get up, drive somewhere, put pants on – you don’t even have to get out of bed.
3. She never wants to go out to eat, go out to the movies, hold hands and go ice-skating. Romantic dinners, romantic comedies, and romantic evenings are off the menu.
4. She never calls just to say hello or to tell you about her day or about her mom’s health or the funny things her cat does. She only texts you when she wants sex. It’s always just, ‘Hey, wanna hang out and get crazy?’
5. After you have sex with her, you often don’t hear from her for days, sometimes weeks. She completely disappears, and you have to console yourself with video games, weed, and hanging out with your friends – until she shows up and wants sex again!
6. She’s always unavailable on major holidays. She doesn’t let you go with her on Thanksgiving or Christmas to meet her parents. You don’t get to buy her expensive gifts and treat her to fancy restaurants on Valentine’s Day. She never bugs you when you forget your anniversary.
7. She never wants to sleep at your place. She never hogs the whole blanket, never pushes you to a corner of your own bed while she’s sprawled out over the rest, never wakes you up with her snoring… because she’s simply not there. It’s just sex, sex, sex; then she takes off and leaves you the entire bed and all the big fluffy pillows all to yourself.
8. You’re happy all the time.
9. She doesn’t insist you change your status on Facebook to something dreamy and claimed and taken. She doesn’t make you tell all your friends that you are now an owned man, or force you to distance yourself from your other girl friends.
10. If you tell her you’re a little busy at the moment, she understands.
11. She gives you a lot of space to do your own thing, live your own life.
or Bed of the Dead
No, not an actual reanimated corpse.
A Zombie is someone who mostly just lays there during sex and expects you to do all the heavy lifting.
A consenting Zombie.
Zombies may rise from their grave to twitch or spasm from time to time, and they may even make faint, postmortem moaning sounds with their mouths. Don’t let these slight aberrations fool you. A Zombie is a Zombie and must be fucked in a certain way.
Despite the age of sexual enlightenment in which we are supposedly currently steeped, there are still a surprising amount of Zombies roaming our streets, nightclubs, hookup apps, and bedrooms. Here is how to successfully fuck a Zombie should you ever encounter one.
Unless you’re into the whole Zombie thing, it’s up to you to turn yourself on. This usually requires either objectification or imagination.
If you are the kind of person who can focus on a certain attribute or body part (Look at these big titties!) rather than feeding off the sexual energy between you (or starving off the lack of it), you shouldn’t have a problem. If you are not that kind of person, you may have to use your imagination.
Picture a recent sexual encounter or a favorite sexual fantasy – anything to keep your mind (and body) in the game. One of the saddest things you can picture is an idealized version of your partner – how beautiful and sensual she or he would be if they would actually move around. Tragic though it may be, it’s worth it if it works to give both of you a more satisfying sexual experience.
Again, if you are into the whole control thing, this shouldn’t be a problem for you.
If not, get into it.
If you don’t take control, you will be tediously rocking back and forth in the same gently-stacked position for the entire disappointing duration. The Zombie Problem is one of the reasons married couples usually just end up falling into the lackluster sex patterns they are known for (Married Sex Syndrome).
If you can learn to take control and enjoy it, the Zombie Problem will practically solve itself. In fact, if you enjoy being in control, a Zombie could be a perfect match for you. There’s nothing worse than two live people who are simultaneously trying to take control, but that’s a problem for a different post.
Where Imagination is what will make your Zombie Experience exciting and Control is what will make it satisfying, Creativity is what will make it fun.
Since your Zombie, by definition, is trusting in you to make all the moves, feel free to go a little wild. Conventional Sex is for Conventional Partners; Zombies are for having fun.
And no, this isn’t permission to push the boundaries beyond what your Zombie is comfortable with – make sure your Zombie knows they are free to pass on anything at any time. Creativity is not coercion; Creativity is consensual initiative.
If you’re not the spontaneous type, give a bit of thought beforehand to things you would like to try out with your Zombie. You can make brief mental notes to refer to during your Zombie Apocalypse in case you find yourself drawing a blank in the moment (like: Mirror or Blindfold or Chair).
Zombies have needs too. As the leader, it’s your job to be sensitive to your Zombie’s needs.
If your sexual partner is bad at articulating (physically or verbally) what they like, it’s up to you to figure it out. Try different degrees on different spectrums: Slow to Fast, Light to Heavy, Shallow to Deep, Perpendicular to Circular, Whisper to Scream, Wet to Extremely Wet. Try to tune your frequency finely to theirs so that you can pick up the faint signals they may be sending out.
Night of the Living Dead
There are varying degrees of Zombie. A perfectly live human may have Zombie Lips or Zombie Hips. Zombies rarely know that they are Zombies, which is why communication is so important. If you think you may be a Zombie, or you wish your partner were less of one, pick their brains on the subject a bit and try to get their perspective.
There are different degrees of physical activity and sexual energy in every sexual encounter, and unless both of you are on the exact same page, every encounter may have one body that is undeader than the other. You may be fucking a Zombie today, but you may be one tomorrow. So have some empathy and try to give your Zombie a good time.
or SexyLittleLaws to Live By
Never trust in bed a woman who asks you to follow her on Instagram and then doesn’t follow you back.
The fruit always looks much bigger on the tree, before you pick it.
If you eat an Oreo in the woods & no one is there to see, it doesn’t count and will not make you fat.
When you say, “Get over yourself!” to someone & then they throw their coffee in your face, it is proof they did not get over themselves.
Angels make the best demons.
The Law of Looking
When you expend too much energy trying to look smart or sexy or cool or sporty, you are left with too little energy to actually be smart or sexy or cool or sporty.
Counterintuitively, looking tends to actually take away from being.
Always get high before going to an all-you-can-eat buffet.
The Law of Dick
If everything a man ever says to a woman means “Want some dick?” then everything a woman ever says to a man means “Can you please offer me some dick!”
Piano players should get jobs in which playing piano is a benefit.
The Law of the Americas
Your Northern neighbors will treat you about as well as you treat your Southern neighbors.
Whether monster or mouse, always be proud of what you are.
How to Get Away with Smoking:
1. Get sick of people criticizing you for smoking cigarettes.
2. Get horribly addicted to meth.
3. Manage to miraculously quit meth.
4. Everyone congratulates you for the rest of your life for only smoking cigarettes.
1. Be a bad influence.
2. Date spoiled rich princesses.
3. Their rich parents offer to pay you to stop dating their precious daughters.
4. Accept money.
How to Look Really Good:
1. Work out every day.
2. Have good genes.
3. It’s not that hard.
Fight Juvenile Delinquency:
1. Catch a minor smoking weed.
2. Steal the weed.
3. Save the minor.
4. Free weed.
1. Get bitten by a werewolf.
2. Become an astronaut.
3. Go to the moon.
4. BOOM – you’re a permanent werewolf.
Sports can be dirty. But live commentary by sportscasters can be even dirtier – so much so that sometimes I wonder if these professional ball-followers are intentionally trying to say dirty things on live TV as some kind of an inside joke between them.
Or maybe it’s just me.
Decide for yourself.
As we near the end of a possibly historic season in the NBA, here are some of the filthiest things I have heard sports commentators get away with saying on the air this year.
“Howard tries to put the tip in but he’s swallowed up by his man.”
“Watch Harden take two men in the backcourt.”
“Just a little bit of dribble then penetration by Klay Thompson.”
“The former Magic member driving deep, straight to the hole.”
“Then he gets eaten alive by Anthony Davis from behind.”
“Varejao inside but unable to finish.”
“Irving on the corner gives a hand off for profit.”
“Westbrook, pulling it back, then he gives it to Ibaka who is wide open.”
“Harden tries to get it up quickly.”
“Cantor and Westbrook, tag teaming Howard who likes taking it to the rim.”
“He’s a young player and they’re riding him with his 18 points.”
“John Wall with the reach behind as Varejao was exploding to the hole.”
“Speights was stripped, wanted the body bump but didn’t get it.”
“That’s what you call a wet jumpshot.”
“They’re allowing a little bump and grind, letting them play at both ends.”
“Damian’s got a deep stroke with a long range.”
“That’s a good body of work by the Clippers but they did let the Pacers in through the backdoor.”
“You have to keep a body on him because he has a very soft touch downtown.”
“Crabbe gave that Spalding a spanking!”
…and my personal favorite:
“See, that’s how you play your man perfectly – use a few pumps to get him up, then you go straight into his body.”
Warm credit and sloppy thanks to sportscasters: Jim Barnett, Bob Fitzgerald, Derek Harper, Mark Followill, Mark Jackson, Jeff Van Gundy, Mike Green, Marv Albert, and Chris Webber.
or Pound for Pound
“There’s no good (sex acts) for girls. There’s no like ‘Wacky Shirley’ where she sits on his face and reads her tweets. We have nothing. Does anyone know one that’s good for the girl? Anybody?”
–Amy Schumer (Live at the Apollo)
We tried to come up with a few.
Sex Acts that Are Good for Her and Degrading for Him
The Baby Bird
Bring a man to climax via oral sex and hide the cum in your mouth without him knowing. Once he is fully relaxed and completely unsuspecting in the afterglow, lean in for a sweet little post-sex kiss, and surprise him by passing him a big mouthful of his own cum.
The Human Vibrator
When a woman forces a man to continue going down on her until she climaxes, with no regards for his comfort. The Human Vibrator may be accompanied by her grabbing his hair and directing his face into her thrusting groin or scraping her nails down his back while squirting into his open mouth and nose.
(Anne Carol and SLI)
When the woman forces her partner to watch her have sex with another man.
When the man is taking forever to cum, probably because he drank too much as usual, whisper, “Are we there yet? Are we there yet?” over and over into his ear.
The Michael Phelps
Squirt relentlessly all over his bed, then make him sleep in the puddle. If he snores while sleeping in the puddle, this is known as Singing in the Rain.
The act of a woman sitting on her subserviant’s face for the majority of the day.
Pound for Pound
This involves one man and two women, which sounds wonderful to him at first. Unknown to him, however, while he performs oral sex on Woman One (her lying back on the bed and him on all fours near the edge), Woman Two penetrates him forcefully in the ass with a strap-on. (Also known as Returning the Compliment, Just Desserts, the Cum-uppance, and The Black Death.)
(Anne Carol and SLI)
All Smoke, No Fire
Where he’s eating her ass and she rips a fart.
Right when he’s about to cum, begin talking about his mother or how you hope he gets you pregnant or some other cock softener. As soon as he is soft as a sponge, leave.
Right when he is about to cum, slip the head of a Q-tip down his urethra while squeezing his balls tightly.
The Amy Schumer
When you laugh at the man the whole time you’re fucking him, like he’s a not-so-stand-up comedian.
And Men Are Like Cars
Motorcycles are smaller, weaker, and more fragile than cars, but still demand (and deserve) equal rights on the road.
Cars often resent motorcycles for this.
Cars have completely separate seating with a respectful distance between each person. Motorcycles are all about snuggles and hugs.
Motorcycles have fewer blind spots.
When chasing a motorcycle in traffic, other cars will constantly car-block you.
Motorcycles don’t mind sharing lanes with cars but only on their terms. If you try to share a lane with them when they don’t want to, they will get mad.
Cars are disgusting, smoke-belching, environmentally-hazardous creatures; motorcycles are slightly less so.
Motorcycles can go for much longer than cars (and on much less fuel).
Cars have an evolutionary (or perhaps cultural?) proclivity toward opening their doors to more and more people, while motorcycles have to be choosey about whom they seat.
Motorcycles are fun.
Always wear protection when riding one.
or 19 Reasons to Cheat on Your Girlfriend
(Substitute ‘boyfriend’ with girlfriend/husband/wife/life partner as needed.)
If your boyfriend has ever been too tired, too drunk, too busy, or too anything to have sex with you, cheat on him.
If your boyfriend sits around the house all day playing video games, you should cheat on him.
If your boyfriend checks out another girl, cheat on him.
If your boyfriend is either a meat-crazed carnivore or a nitpicky vegan, cheat on him.
If your boyfriend doesn’t wanna go again and you do, just cheat on him.
If you met your boyfriend on Tinder, cheat on him.
If your boyfriend works long hours and barely has time for you, cheat on him.
If your boyfriend is poor, cheat on him.
If your boyfriend is one of those assholes with rich parents, definitely cheat on him.
If your boyfriend doesn’t like morning sex, that’s fine – cheat on him.
If your boyfriend is either a mama’s boy or doesn’t love his mom, cheat on that rat bastard.
If your boyfriend watches too much sports, cheat on him.
If your boyfriend still talks to his exes, cheat on him, that asshole deserves it.
If your boyfriend Likes that bitch’s photo, cheat on him.
If your boyfriend wears a beanie or a fedora, feel free to cheat on him.
If your boyfriend gains more than 5 pounds, cheat on him.
If your boyfriend has a (girl) best friend or coworker who is smoking hot, you may as well cheat on him cuz you know what’s up with that.
If your boyfriend won’t go out dancing with you, cheat on him with someone who will.
If you settled for a boyfriend who was just good enough, it’s okay to cheat on him.