1. She never wants to hang out and talk about her feelings; she just wants to come over, have dirty nasty sex, then leave.
2. She always comes over to your place, you never go to hers. You never have to get up, drive somewhere, put pants on – you don’t even have to get out of bed.
3. She never wants to go out to eat, go out to the movies, hold hands and go ice-skating. Romantic dinners, romantic comedies, and romantic evenings are off the menu.
4. She never calls just to say hello or to tell you about her day or about her mom’s health or the funny things her cat does. She only texts you when she wants sex. It’s always just, ‘Hey, wanna hang out and get crazy?’
5. After you have sex with her, you often don’t hear from her for days, sometimes weeks. She completely disappears, and you have to console yourself with video games, weed, and hanging out with your friends – until she shows up and wants sex again!
6. She’s always unavailable on major holidays. She doesn’t let you go with her on Thanksgiving or Christmas to meet her parents. You don’t get to buy her expensive gifts and treat her to fancy restaurants on Valentine’s Day. She never bugs you when you forget your anniversary.
7. She never wants to sleep at your place. She never hogs the whole blanket, never pushes you to a corner of your own bed while she’s sprawled out over the rest, never wakes you up with her snoring… because she’s simply not there. It’s just sex, sex, sex; then she takes off and leaves you the entire bed and all the big fluffy pillows all to yourself.
8. You’re happy all the time.
9. She doesn’t insist you change your status on Facebook to something dreamy and claimed and taken. She doesn’t make you tell all your friends that you are now an owned man, or force you to distance yourself from your other girl friends.
10. If you tell her you’re a little busy at the moment, she understands.
11. She gives you a lot of space to do your own thing, live your own life.
or SexyLittleLaws to Live By
Never trust in bed a woman who asks you to follow her on Instagram and then doesn’t follow you back.
The fruit always looks much bigger on the tree, before you pick it.
If you eat an Oreo in the woods & no one is there to see, it doesn’t count and will not make you fat.
When you say, “Get over yourself!” to someone & then they throw their coffee in your face, it is proof they did not get over themselves.
Angels make the best demons.
The Law of Looking
When you expend too much energy trying to look smart or sexy or cool or sporty, you are left with too little energy to actually be smart or sexy or cool or sporty.
Counterintuitively, looking tends to actually take away from being.
Always get high before going to an all-you-can-eat buffet.
The Law of Dick
If everything a man ever says to a woman means “Want some dick?” then everything a woman ever says to a man means “Can you please offer me some dick!”
Piano players should get jobs in which playing piano is a benefit.
The Law of the Americas
Your Northern neighbors will treat you about as well as you treat your Southern neighbors.
Whether monster or mouse, always be proud of what you are.
How to Get Away with Smoking:
1. Get sick of people criticizing you for smoking cigarettes.
2. Get horribly addicted to meth.
3. Manage to miraculously quit meth.
4. Everyone congratulates you for the rest of your life for only smoking cigarettes.
1. Be a bad influence.
2. Date spoiled rich princesses.
3. Their rich parents offer to pay you to stop dating their precious daughters.
4. Accept money.
How to Look Really Good:
1. Work out every day.
2. Have good genes.
3. It’s not that hard.
Fight Juvenile Delinquency:
1. Catch a minor smoking weed.
2. Steal the weed.
3. Save the minor.
4. Free weed.
1. Get bitten by a werewolf.
2. Become an astronaut.
3. Go to the moon.
4. BOOM – you’re a permanent werewolf.
Sports can be dirty. But live commentary by sportscasters can be even dirtier – so much so that sometimes I wonder if these professional ball-followers are intentionally trying to say dirty things on live TV as some kind of an inside joke between them.
Or maybe it’s just me.
Decide for yourself.
As we near the end of a possibly historic season in the NBA, here are some of the filthiest things I have heard sports commentators get away with saying on the air this year.
“Howard tries to put the tip in but he’s swallowed up by his man.”
“Watch Harden take two men in the backcourt.”
“Just a little bit of dribble then penetration by Klay Thompson.”
“The former Magic member driving deep, straight to the hole.”
“Then he gets eaten alive by Anthony Davis from behind.”
“Varejao inside but unable to finish.”
“Irving on the corner gives a hand off for profit.”
“Westbrook, pulling it back, then he gives it to Ibaka who is wide open.”
“Harden tries to get it up quickly.”
“Cantor and Westbrook, tag teaming Howard who likes taking it to the rim.”
“He’s a young player and they’re riding him with his 18 points.”
“John Wall with the reach behind as Varejao was exploding to the hole.”
“Speights was stripped, wanted the body bump but didn’t get it.”
“That’s what you call a wet jumpshot.”
“They’re allowing a little bump and grind, letting them play at both ends.”
“Damian’s got a deep stroke with a long range.”
“That’s a good body of work by the Clippers but they did let the Pacers in through the backdoor.”
“You have to keep a body on him because he has a very soft touch downtown.”
“Crabbe gave that Spalding a spanking!”
…and my personal favorite:
“See, that’s how you play your man perfectly – use a few pumps to get him up, then you go straight into his body.”
Warm credit and sloppy thanks to sportscasters: Jim Barnett, Bob Fitzgerald, Derek Harper, Mark Followill, Mark Jackson, Jeff Van Gundy, Mike Green, Marv Albert, and Chris Webber.
or Men Will Shit on Your Chest; Women Will Shit Inside of Your Heart
Some of the sex acts I was sent for last week’s ‘Amy Schumer’s: Sex Acts for Girls‘ article, were quite dark. But this was a different kind of darkness than the simple quasi-humorous, physical objectification found in most of the sex acts for boys on Urban Dictionary. This was a different kind of degradation – a deeper, still quasi-humorous, but more emotionally-scaring kind.
Louis CK once said, “Here’s the difference, to me, between boys and girls: Boys fuck things up; Girls are fucked up. That’s the difference. Boys just do damage to your house that you can measure in dollars, like a hurricane. Girls leave scars in your psyche that you find later, like a genocide or an atrocity…. That’s the difference between boys and girls. And it becomes the difference between men and women, really. A man will steal your car or burn your house down or beat the shit out of you, but a woman will ruin your fucking life. Do you see the difference? A man will cut your arm off and throw it in a river, but he’ll leave you as a human being intact. He won’t fuck with who you are. Women are nonviolent, but they will shit inside of your heart.” (Louis CK: The difference between boys and girls.)
I wanted to keep it light last week, so I only included lighter ones. This week, however…
Darker Sex Acts for Girls
The Brad Pitt
Fuck him hard while thinking about Brad Pitt. Afterward, tell him you were thinking about Brad Pitt. (The advanced version of The Brad Pitt is known as The Dad Pitt, where you tell him you were thinking about his dad.)
The Guantanamo Bay
When you force a man to listen to something that he doesn’t want to hear as a form of torture. In this case, it’s your screaming while you’re fucking his next door neighbor and best friend because he was such an asshole and deserves to be tortured.
The Deb Langley
Get him hard as a rock then leave. On your way out, say, “I’ll be right back.” Don’t be right back.
Point at a guy’s cock, and laugh at how small it is. Or better yet, no laughing – while he undresses, remove a magnifying glass from your bra or purse, or a pair of tweezers.
The Now and Never
Give him the best sex of his life, then don’t return his calls or texts.
The Bachelorette Party
Hook up with a stranger from a bar, bring him home with you, and let him go down on you. Then thank him warmly, remove your engagement ring from your bra, put it back on your finger, and tell him that he has to leave now because any reciprocity would count as cheating on your fiancé.
Tell him that you are crazy for him and want him so badly, until he’s dying for you. Then, get him alone and half-naked, and right before leaving him forever, tell him that you just can’t because you’re in love with his best friend.
Poke holes in the condom ahead of time, and then make him marry you. (Named both for the pattern of holes in the wrapper and the type of wedding you will be having.)
Squirt all over him, covering him in your cum, then let him know, brusquely, that you’ve never found him attractive. Close the door behind you.
The Charlie Sheen
Give him AIDS.
Fake your orgasm every time you fuck him for 8-12 months straight. Finally tell him about it when he’s at a low point in his life.
or Pound for Pound
“There’s no good (sex acts) for girls. There’s no like ‘Wacky Shirley’ where she sits on his face and reads her tweets. We have nothing. Does anyone know one that’s good for the girl? Anybody?”
–Amy Schumer (Live at the Apollo)
We tried to come up with a few.
Sex Acts that Are Good for Her and Degrading for Him
The Baby Bird
Bring a man to climax via oral sex and hide the cum in your mouth without him knowing. Once he is fully relaxed and completely unsuspecting in the afterglow, lean in for a sweet little post-sex kiss, and surprise him by passing him a big mouthful of his own cum.
The Human Vibrator
When a woman forces a man to continue going down on her until she climaxes, with no regards for his comfort. The Human Vibrator may be accompanied by her grabbing his hair and directing his face into her thrusting groin or scraping her nails down his back while squirting into his open mouth and nose.
(Anne Carol and SLI)
When the woman forces her partner to watch her have sex with another man.
When the man is taking forever to cum, probably because he drank too much as usual, whisper, “Are we there yet? Are we there yet?” over and over into his ear.
The Michael Phelps
Squirt relentlessly all over his bed, then make him sleep in the puddle. If he snores while sleeping in the puddle, this is known as Singing in the Rain.
The act of a woman sitting on her subserviant’s face for the majority of the day.
Pound for Pound
This involves one man and two women, which sounds wonderful to him at first. Unknown to him, however, while he performs oral sex on Woman One (her lying back on the bed and him on all fours near the edge), Woman Two penetrates him forcefully in the ass with a strap-on. (Also known as Returning the Compliment, Just Desserts, the Cum-uppance, and The Black Death.)
(Anne Carol and SLI)
All Smoke, No Fire
Where he’s eating her ass and she rips a fart.
Right when he’s about to cum, begin talking about his mother or how you hope he gets you pregnant or some other cock softener. As soon as he is soft as a sponge, leave.
Right when he is about to cum, slip the head of a Q-tip down his urethra while squeezing his balls tightly.
The Amy Schumer
When you laugh at the man the whole time you’re fucking him, like he’s a not-so-stand-up comedian.
And Men Are Like Cars
Motorcycles are smaller, weaker, and more fragile than cars, but still demand (and deserve) equal rights on the road.
Cars often resent motorcycles for this.
Cars have completely separate seating with a respectful distance between each person. Motorcycles are all about snuggles and hugs.
Motorcycles have fewer blind spots.
When chasing a motorcycle in traffic, other cars will constantly car-block you.
Motorcycles don’t mind sharing lanes with cars but only on their terms. If you try to share a lane with them when they don’t want to, they will get mad.
Cars are disgusting, smoke-belching, environmentally-hazardous creatures; motorcycles are slightly less so.
Motorcycles can go for much longer than cars (and on much less fuel).
Cars have an evolutionary (or perhaps cultural?) proclivity toward opening their doors to more and more people, while motorcycles have to be choosey about whom they seat.
Motorcycles are fun.
Always wear protection when riding one.
or 19 Reasons to Cheat on Your Girlfriend
(Substitute ‘boyfriend’ with girlfriend/husband/wife/life partner as needed.)
If your boyfriend has ever been too tired, too drunk, too busy, or too anything to have sex with you, cheat on him.
If your boyfriend sits around the house all day playing video games, you should cheat on him.
If your boyfriend checks out another girl, cheat on him.
If your boyfriend is either a meat-crazed carnivore or a nitpicky vegan, cheat on him.
If your boyfriend doesn’t wanna go again and you do, just cheat on him.
If you met your boyfriend on Tinder, cheat on him.
If your boyfriend works long hours and barely has time for you, cheat on him.
If your boyfriend is poor, cheat on him.
If your boyfriend is one of those assholes with rich parents, definitely cheat on him.
If your boyfriend doesn’t like morning sex, that’s fine – cheat on him.
If your boyfriend is either a mama’s boy or doesn’t love his mom, cheat on that rat bastard.
If your boyfriend watches too much sports, cheat on him.
If your boyfriend still talks to his exes, cheat on him, that asshole deserves it.
If your boyfriend Likes that bitch’s photo, cheat on him.
If your boyfriend wears a beanie or a fedora, feel free to cheat on him.
If your boyfriend gains more than 5 pounds, cheat on him.
If your boyfriend has a (girl) best friend or coworker who is smoking hot, you may as well cheat on him cuz you know what’s up with that.
If your boyfriend won’t go out dancing with you, cheat on him with someone who will.
If you settled for a boyfriend who was just good enough, it’s okay to cheat on him.
or The Physiological Benefits of Hitting Other People
I think it’s funny that the more illegal and socially unacceptable spankings become as a child’s punishment, the more mainstream and typical they become as an erotic accessory.
Spankings used to be something every parent did to every child and maybe three men did to their wives during sexual congress before being burned at the stake as heretics.
Then they became something that only strict parents did to their children and perverts did to their wives.
Soon after, they became something that only terrible parents did to their traumatized children, and that some very liberal men did to some very permissive women.
Now, spankings are something for which in many countries you can get thrown in jail for doing to your children, and something that practically everyone does to everyone else when they’re having sex and feeling a little extra kinky that night.
In the future, perhaps, child spanking will only be remembered in the history books akin to child sacrifice, and erotic spanking will be a systematic part of The Human Dating Ritual (aw look there’s a picture of our first spanking, and there’s one at our wedding when the Unitarian Universalist Priest said, “You may now spank the bride”).
Perhaps human beings have an inherent physiological need to spank other human beings, and if they can’t take it out on their helpless children, by the gods, they’ll take it out on their consenting life partners.
Which is at least progress.
The moral arc of the universe and all that.