The people you have casual sex with are real people.
When I’m having casual sex with someone, it’s important to me that we treat each other with care and respect and basic human kindness.
Just because we’re casually having sex doesn’t mean we should stop treating each other like real people with real lives. So whether your human litterbug approach is due to simple disregard for other people who aren’t you or whether it’s some kind of mental game, it’s toxic, and I can’t have it in my life.
Some people have terrible time management and/or decision-making skills. Sometimes I myself can’t decide whether to put an ‘and’ or an ‘or’ as a qualifier, or both. But these are skills that can be learned. You’re not schedulistically-challenged. You just choose to treat other people like they’re not real people.
Some people have too much going on. I’m a huge fan of mistakes and imperfect people. In fact, people with pet peeves are my pet peeve. But there’s a difference between a mistake and a pattern, and if a mistake turns into a pattern, it ceases to be a mistake. You’re not chronically overbooked. You just choose to treat other people like they’re not real people.
Some people think casual sex is a form of disrespecting someone. It goes without saying (which are my favorite kinds of sayings) that this is nothing more than a form of thinly-disguised self-hatred. (Unless you genuinely hate the opposite gender, on which I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you don’t.)
If you catch yourself thinking, I’ve lost my respect for her/him now that I’ve fucked them, the real person here that has lost your respect is yourself. You’re not a victim of your culture and upbringing. You just choose to treat other people like they’re not real people.
Don’t fuck cardboard cutouts. Fuck real people.
or Sex Negative
Heterosexuals bash gays.
Gays bash bisexuals.
Bisexuals bash transsexuals.
Transsexuals bash polys.
Polys bash swingers.
Swingers bash voyeurs.
Voyeurs bash porn.
Porn bashes feminists.
Feminists bash sex workers.
Sex workers bash sadomasochists.
Sadomasochists bash urophiliacs.
Urophiliacs bash coprophiliacs.
Coprophiliacs bash vanillas.
Sex positive means that we’re positive about sex (between consenting adults). Not just our own sex, all kinds of sex in all kinds of forms.
Why can’t we all be less Sex Politics and more Sex Positive?
or A Cynical Look at Some of the Reasons People Fuck Each Other
Guy Who Needs to Feel Special
Girl Who Needs to Quiet Her Sex Drive so She Can Focus on Work
Guy Who Gets Super Drunk and Wants to Fuck Something, Anything
Girl with Boyfriend Who Needs an Occasional Breath of Fresh Air
Guy Proving to Himself That He’s a Badass
Girl Going Through a Rebellious Phase
Guy Who’s Now an Independent Adult and Can Do What He Likes
Girl Experimenting with Her Body
Guy Proving to Himself That He’s Still Young and Carefree
Guy on the Brink of Falling in Love with Everything
Girl with Inferiority Complex Fucking to Feel Better About Herself
Guy on Vacation Going Wild Fucking Everything in His Path
Totally Not That Kind of Girl Who Has No Idea What Got into Her
Guy Who Needs to Feel Close to Someone
Girl Who Smokes and Drinks and Drugs and Doesn’t Give a Shit About Anything
New in the City, Making Friends
Heard About You from Her Friend
Guy Who Only Likes a Specific Kind of Sex or Body Type
Lesbian Couple Spicing up Their Relationship
Straight Couple Spicing up Their Relationship
Girl Who Wants to Get Back at Her Friend/Parent/Sibling/Loved One
Guy Who Wants to Be Like that Guy He Saw on TV
Girl Who Feels Such a Strong Connection with You
Guy Who Has so Much in Common with You
Girl Who’s Bored
Guy Who’s Impressed
Girl Who Feels She Owes You Sex
Guy Who Feels You Owe Him Sex
Girl Who Fucks Because She’s There and You’re There
Guy Who Fucks Because……..Party Woohooo!
Girl Who Wants a Story to Tell Her Friends
Guy Who Wants to Feel Superior to His Friends
Girl Who Wants to Celebrate
Guy Who Is Crazy (I Mean Literally Having a Psychotic Episode)
Girl Who Wants to Be Famous
Guy Who Wants to Try Something His Girlfriend/Wife Would Never Go For
Girl Who Doesn’t Want to Waste All the Time/Money She Spent on You Before You Turned out to Be a Jerk/Catfish
Guy Who Wants to Forget About His Ex
Girl Who Can’t Have Who She Really Wants so Fine She’ll Just Settle for You
Guy Who Just Wants to Feel Good
Girl Who Just Wants to Feel Good
or A Short Study on Weapons Legislation vs Crazy People
I think the gun control issue is a question of percentages. We have to weigh acceptable Weapons Legislation against the percentage of Crazy People with a Chance of Going on Killing Sprees. If the latter was exceptionally high, say around 50% of the population, we might only legalize the possession of exceptionally mild weapons such as swords or slingshots. If we had 0% Crazy People, we might be able to legalize nuclear bombs and light sabers.
To decide where you are as a rational person on the issue of gun control, you have to decide how many people you are comfortable with putting at risk of dying, say each year, in Crazy Person Killing Sprees.
In a nation of 320 million people, you have to assume that there will be some Crazy People and that some of them will go on Killing Sprees for whatever Crazy Reason. If all they have is slingshots or their bare hands, they will be able to kill very few people, maybe one or two per incident. If they have nuclear bombs, they will be able to kill maybe 100,000 per incident.
Weapons Legislation usually looks at weapons and victim numbers somewhere inbetween those two extremes.
(In light of recent events, I take this entire article back. Donald Trump is no feminist. Donald Trump is an asshole. Here it is for posterity.)
Trump’s Struggle with Feminism vs Fascism
I don’t like Donald Drumpf. I don’t want him for my president. I think he has a fascist, ego-driven side that would dictate the majority of his actions in the Oval Office.
I also think he has a feminist side that struggles against his fascist side. And even though it may not always win, it’s still refreshing when it pops its cute little head out.
On the one hand, he objectifies some women and throws gender-specific insults at women who oppose him. On the other hand, he supports closing the gender pay gap, both with his actions and his words, and he’s the first Republican presidential candidate ever to offer any kind of support for Planned Parenthood and the “millions of women (it has) helped greatly.”
One of the strongest feminist statements Donald Trump has made, however, is often interpreted as a racist generalization.
Yes, I’m talking about when he denounced rape culture in Mexico.
Don’t get me wrong, I love Mexico with all my heart. But I hate rape. And I think it’s about time we faced the fact that there is an ugly and very deeply-entrenched culture of rape and sexual harassment marring this very beautiful country.
And honestly, if anyone else with a little more finesse than Donald Trump had stood up and spoken against the widespread anti-woman sentiments poisoning so much of Latino culture, the rest of the world might have listened.
Here are some examples that will make your skin crawl:
According to a 2011 United Nations study, Mexico was awarded the planet’s gold medal for sexual violence against women. The UN study estimated that almost one out of every two women in Mexico have been victims of some kind of physical sexual aggression ranging from forced sexual contact to all out rape.
Once again, that is: according to the UN, Mexico is #1 in the world concerning sexual violence against women.
Suck it, Iraq.
Mexico’s Ministry of Health estimates that 120,000 rapes are committed per year in Mexico, one every four minutes. Only about 15% of these are ever officially reported, and of those that are reported, only a shocking 5% ever make it to trial.
This means that if you decide to rape a woman in Mexico (which apparently is happening to about half the women here), about nine times out of 10, your life will continue being pretty cool.
If these statistics have left you feeling depressed and angry, here is a fun and alliterative list of some words that should never be put together, to lighten your mood again:
- Harassment Heaven
- Sexual Assault Shangri-La
- Coercion Cloud Nine
- Rape Disneyland
No Never Means No
Sociologist and NYU professor Eric Klinenberg has studied extensively what he terms the Latino “culture of male aggression,” stating that in Hispanic cultures there’s an idea that “no doesn’t mean no. If she’s really not interested, she’ll just ignore you.”
You can try this one out for yourself: repeat the above “no”-negation statement to any of your Mexican friends and, instead of shock and horror about this dangerous anti-woman sentiment, you will be greeted with laughter and hearty agreement. Even the most feminist women I know here have resigned themselves to this as a simple fact of life, and many have even embraced it.
Unfortunately, all of this leads to…
A Culture of Coercion
…in which it is normal and everyday for men to be constantly begging, convincing, and intimidating women into having sex with them. This is so commonplace here that when she tells you no and you say okay and walk away, she will ask you what happened, what’s wrong, don’t you like her.
It’s almost impossible to have any kind of a sex life in Mexico without some form of, “C’mon, baby,” a sprinkling of, “I know you want it,” and a dash of, “Baby, it’s cold outside.”
Minor Gold Mine
This one is as easy as it is heartbreaking, and I could go statistical (boring) or anecdotal (incomplete), because both are aplenty.
The fact is that right now there is a 50-foot tall campaign in front of every IMSS building (Mexican Social Security Institute) that screams in giant letters, “1 out of 2 women who begin their sex life before the age of 15 will get pregnant.”
The fact is that about 99% of all the men I know here will sit around telling jolly stories of that time they banged (raped) a 14-year old.
The fact is that the Mexican National Health and Nutrition Survey Institution (ENSANUT) is alarmed that the percentage of girls who begin having sex between the ages of 12 and 17 years old has risen from 15% in 2006 to 23% in 2012 and is still rising.
The fact is that you if you tell these adult males who are slapping each other’s backs and one-upping each other’s child rape stories that of course you wouldn’t sleep with a 14-year old, not only will you be laughed out of the room, but no one will even believe you because it sounds so unlikely to them.
The sobering fact is that Latin America has the second highest underage pregnancy rate. IN. THE. WORLD.
In case it isn’t clear why I put this section in here (and it wasn’t clear when I ran this topic by a few of my Mexican readers): having sex with a minor, even consensual sex, is rape.
Rape a Lesbian
The other night I happened to glance at my Twitter trending feed and I noticed that the hashtag #ViolaYCuraAUnaLesbiana – Rape A Lesbian To Cure Her – was trending specifically in Mexico. I don’t know where it started or what exactly it was referring to (apart from the self-explanatory obvious), but it continued to trend for about four hours before tapering off.
The next day I referred to this odd and revolting hashtag in the context of, “I bet Donald Trump would be real proud.” I didn’t hear back any type of remorse or surprise or disgust or condemnation from the 20,000+ men who had been laughing on Twitter the night before about raping lesbians. I did, however, hear back that I was a “fucking racist.”
So I guess I’m sort of beginning to understand what Donald Trump was referring to.
Mexico’s Struggle with Racism vs Feminism
I love Mexicans, and I know not all Mexicans or all Mexican demographics are rapists (just mostly the adult male demographic, I’m assuming). But when you have numbers that scream this loud for attention, I feel like they’re just begging for someone to do something.
And it would suck if I had to choose between being a racist and being a feminist.
or How to Calculate and Minimize Your Sex-Risks
Sex comes with risk.
So does crossing the street or making an omelet.
In no area of life is zero risk ever achievable. Just sitting there in front of your computer or phone (I see you), you run the risk of a meteorite barreling down through the atmosphere and slapping you in the face (.00014% chance).
You also run a slightly better risk of winning an Olympic gold medal (.00015%). It’s a small risk, but it’s a risk.
Like sitting in front of your computer, sex comes with its own particular risks and rewards. It’s important to be familiar with the risks that you take on a regular basis and how to best minimize them, both in your sex life and in your life in general.
Driving, for instance, has a worldwide death rate of about .01%, a very low and generally acceptable risk (although we are working to get it lower). Additionally, if you decide never to drink and drive, you can reduce that risk by about 1/3 to an even lower and more acceptable risk of .0071%. (This is statistically similar to the 1/3 risk differential percentage between road fatalities in the USA and those in Afghanistan or Colombia.)
I play basketball. Among recreational basketball players, there is an ankle injury rate of about .39%, with three major risk factors (history of ankle injuries, type of shoes, and warm up routine). Two of those risk factors I can control. If I stretch before playing, I can reduce my risk of ankle injury from .39% to .1% (one tenth of one percent). If I both stretch first and wear the right shoes, I can reduce my risk of injury by leaps and bounds.
On one hand, the amount of risk you’re willing to accept in your life is sort of up to you. But on the other hand, everyone has to live with some amount of risk.
You really like bacon, but it comes with a risk of causing cancer. But you really like bacon, so you accept that risk and charge deep into cancer territory, crunching merrily.
In actual numbers, your risk as an average human of developing colorectal cancer at some point in your life is about 5% (no decimal). If you eat bacon, your risk goes up to about 6%. So the overwhelming majority of the risk of developing colorectal cancer comes with being a human and cannot be avoided by abstaining from bacon. But you do have control over that last 1%.
It can be hard to nail down what percentage of risk is ‘acceptable’ or ‘tolerable’ to you. The World Health Organization cites the following examples of acceptable/tolerable risk levels:
- .1% – UK HSE annual tolerable risk for general death rates of workers
- .01% – US EPA annual acceptable risk for microbial infection from drinking water
- .0001% – US FDA definition of essentially zero
How to Calculate Your Sex-Risks
Here is a step-by-step guide on how to calculate the amount of risk you accept in your sex life. Thinking this way can help you minimize your risks as much as possible. Analyzing and controlling your sex-risks can also help you minimize your sex-worries.
- 1: Decide on a sex-risk you would like to be informed about.
- 2: Start with finding out the prevalence rate in your region.
- 3: Subtract any high-risk communities you are not a part of.
- 4: Add any prevention measures you are taking, making sure to subtract their failure rate.
- 5: For STIs, factor in the transmission rate.
- 6: Compare to similar statistics.
Let’s demonstrate this using myself as an example.
- 1: What are the odds that I will contract X? Let’s use HIV for our example.
- 2: Mexico has an overall HIV prevalence rate of about .2% and falling.
- 3: Key at-risk communities that I am not a part of are gay men (MSM), female sex workers (FSW), and intravenous drug users (IDU), which together can be estimated to account for approximately 75% of all cases in Mexico. Subtracting these leaves us with an HIV prevalence rate, in my demographic, of .05%.
- 4: Consistent condom usage has a conservative HIV prevention rate of 85%, leaving a generous failure rate of 15%. Condoms break about 2% of the time, and the rest is an additional margin of error for incorrect usage or slippage. Adding this safety net and then subtracting its 15% failure rate lowers our HIV infection risk to .0075%.
- 5: Unprotected insertive vaginal sex has an HIV transmission rate of .04%. Coitus involving a penis inserted into a vagina will transmit the virus approximately one time out of 2,500. Factoring the HIV transmission rate into our calculation brings our HIV infection risk to a grand total of .0003%.
- (Double check: To be clear on the math, we took the prevalence rate of .2%, subtracted the unconcerned high-risk communities of 75% [.2 x .25 = .05], added a condom failure rate of 15% [.05 x .15 = .0075], then added the transmission rate of .04% [.0075 x .04 = .0003.], leaving us with a protected insertive vaginal sex HIV transmission rate in my heterosexual male demographic of Mexico – deep breath – of .0003%.)
- 6: 0.0003% translates to odds of about one in 333,333. This tiny fraction of a percentage point is a very difficult number for our brains to process. Statisticians usually solve this by comparing events with similar rates of low probability. One in 333,333 is about equal to the probability of being killed (not just struck) by lightning. These are also similar to the odds that global warming is fake (specifically, that the global warming statistics for the Northern Hemisphere are due only to natural variability). Or the very unscientific odds that you will be electrocuted by your alarm clock.
Here it’s important to note the ‘law of truly large numbers,’ which states that with a sample size large enough, even outrageous things can be likely to happen. But let’s not underestimate the breadth of ‘truly large.’ If I have sex with 500 people (which is in itself outrageously unlikely), my risk barely inches from ‘acceptable’ to ‘tolerable.’ It’s only when I begin to have sex with 100,000 people that my risk jumps to ‘broadly possible but still improbable,’ or 200,000 people when it finally moves to ‘probable.’
I’m looking at you, Wilt Chamberlain.
Stigma vs Solutions
Also worth mentioning is today’s treatibility of most sex-risks. Adding PrEP, for instance, to any step of our calculations will instantly bring the risk rate of contracting HIV to zero, no questions asked. PrEP can be an excellent-albeit-expensive solution for both high-risk and high-worry communities, and there are similar medical solutions for most other sex-risks.
Because there is a greater negative stigma associated with sex, people often tend to overestimate the risks involved. This can lead to more negative judgement, which can lead to more negative stigma, which can lead to even riskier behavior such as dishonesty with sexual partners or avoiding regular checkups. Taking a look at the numbers with an honest, open mind can help to solve this negative spiral.
Don’t be afraid; be informed.