or Why You Should Just Stay Home and Jerk Off
When making a case for something, there are a lot of ways to compare the options.
Let’s use your computer as an example.
You can compare for price: cheaper is better.
You can compare for graphics: prettier is better.
You can compare for speed: faster is better.
You can compare for energy: more efficient is better.
You can compare for popularity: the more people like it the better.
You can compare for memory: the better memory, the better.
You can compare for danger: safer is better.
Or you can compare for value – performance rated against cost: the lowest cost for the highest performance wins.
It all depends on what you want out of the product – and out of life.
Sex, it could be said, is more or less the same.
or Sex Negative
Heterosexuals bash gays.
Gays bash bisexuals.
Bisexuals bash transsexuals.
Transsexuals bash polys.
Polys bash swingers.
Swingers bash voyeurs.
Voyeurs bash porn.
Porn bashes feminists.
Feminists bash sex workers.
Sex workers bash sadomasochists.
Sadomasochists bash urophiliacs.
Urophiliacs bash coprophiliacs.
Coprophiliacs bash vanillas.
Sex positive means that we’re positive about sex (between consenting adults). Not just our own sex, all kinds of sex in all kinds of forms.
Why can’t we all be less Sex Politics and more Sex Positive?
or Etiquette at an Orgy
Dear Self-Proclaimed ‘Feminists’ on Tinder,
You say all you want is respect.
Respect takes different faces in different situations. If you showed up naked to an orgy & no one fucked you, that would be a lack of respect. If you strapped your gloves on and climbed into the ring and no one tried to punch you in the face, that would be a lack of respect.
If you have preferences about how you would like to be fucked or punched, your playmate would be wise to listen to you.
I too personally prefer a bit off warm-up before jumping off the diving board into the deep end. But just because you do, criticizing those who don’t doesn’t make you a feminist. And lurking on the fringes of social justice trying to entrap the lame, the sick, and the weak in order to attract more followers to your Twitter or Tumblr doesn’t make you a shero.
You want respect. We here at the orgy want respect too. So please respect our orgy and leave if all you’re going to do is stand in the corner and make killer comments about other people’s buzz.
or Friends and Benefits (In Order of Importance)
I fuck and am fucked in a very comfortable amount by a very few people in a circle of generosity and respect. And maybe that’s why I’m not often willing to put up with lack of generosity and respect.
What I want is more complex than “to fuck.”
I want to fuck sometimes and just to not fuck other times.
I want to give and receive.
I want to feel like she respects me enough in our friendship so that when she grabs a handful of my hair and thrusts her clit into my face, I don’t feel a lack of respect.
I want to respect her enough in our friendship so that when she chokes on my cock, she doesn’t feel a lack of respect.
I want for it sometimes to be Her Day and sometimes to be My Day.
I want to be able to hear/say some days, “I only have 15 minutes, let’s fuck quickly.” And I want to be able to hear/say other days, “I don’t feel like having sex right now, can we just hang out?”
I want to be part of a subset of humans who treat each other like living-breathing-feeling; intelligent-emotional-sexual; honest, complete human beings.
I want community, mutual respect, friendship, and fucking; in that order.
Or I don’t want anything at all.
Every single other cave-technology has been heavily upgraded for today’s world.
Marriage and other monogamous relationships are the only thing invented by a caveman that we still do pretty much exactly the same today. But I like to think that most of us are smarter than a caveman.
Monogamy is a technology that we invented as cavemen to serve a purpose – a technology that is now showing its age. It hasn’t aged well.
Whether or not our feelings and needs as humans have evolved since cave-times is not the point. The technology that we use to deal with our feelings and needs has evolved in every single area, with only this one notable exception. Whether or not we make friends or make love differently-than or similarly-to our semi-human ancestors, dealing with those loves and friendships in the same way that they did would be like using an iPhone 1.0 (or a beeper or a telegraph or a homing pigeon) to talk to your buddies when there are now so many options that are objectively better and more “you.”
You don’t have to Tweet or Snapchat if those things are not “you.” You can Skype or text or dial or, really, whatever feels like “you.” But whatever you do, seriously, put away that beeper. You look silly.
Traditional monogamy in today’s world serves the same purpose as a spear. It is something that belongs in museums and private archaeological collections, but you would never take it out hunting, and you would definitely never bring it to the supermarket.
Dear monogamous couples, I see your spear and I raise you a semi-automatic assault rifle with laser sights.
Humans aren’t good at flying.
But we really wanted to fly.
So we invented a machine that would allow us to fly.
Now we can fly anywhere we want to.
Humans aren’t good at remembering stuff.
But we really wanted to remember stuff.
So we invented writing.
Now we can remember everything.
Humans aren’t good at seeing in the dark.
But we really wanted to see in the dark.
So we invented little glowing machines that would allow us to see in the dark.
Now we can see in the dark.
And speaking of things humans aren’t good at…
Humans aren’t good at being monogamous.
But we really want to be monogamous (for some reason).
So instead of jumping off a cliff with big cardboard wings strapped to our arms,
As is our collective instinct when it comes to achieving the improbable,
And which – as billions of unhappily monogamous couples have discovered before us – only causes us to crash land at the rock bottom,
If we’re going to insist on this monogamy nonsense,
We need to make a machine that finally allows us to be truly and happily monogamous.
A monogamy machine.
And with our shiny new monogamy technology, ride marrily off into the codependent sunset.
or I’m Just Not That Kind of Guy
You have it backwards.
Going out to dinners and movies is something I reserve for doing with people that I truly like and enjoy, completely, inside and out. It’s not just for anyone.
If I don’t know you – why would I want to go out to a club or to watch a movie with you? Standing or sitting next to a person I don’t know in the total dark and total noise surrounded by crowds of other people we don’t know… is a terrible way to get to know someone.
Once we’ve gotten to know each other first on all the appropriate levels, then maybe I’ll let you try to take me out on a date. We can go to a movie (1st base), later I’ll let you slowly slide down to dinner (2nd base), then maybe if you’re real smooth, I’ll let you go all the way into a club with me, as long as you bring protection (lots of alcohol).
If we’ve never met and there’s a possibility you or I could be a rapist or a catfish, that I completely understand, and we can first enjoy a cup of coffee in a public place to dispel our doubts. If we have met and you still think I’m some kind of kidnapper or psychopath who couldn’t keep his true intentions hidden over a few more very public rom-coms, you probably shouldn’t even be talking to me in the first place.
But if you think that you can get down and datey with me before we actually get to know each other, I’m sorry.
I’m just not that kind of guy.
Finally, a Period for Men
The refractory period is that feeling, after you orgasm, that you don’t want to have sex anymore.
Doesn’t sound familiar? -You may be a woman.
Teenage boys have an average refractory period of 15 minutes. 70-year old men have an average refractory period of 24 hours. Men, in general, across all age spans, have an average refractory period of about half an hour.
Women don’t have refractory periods.
(I should classify that sentence with ‘most’ or ‘on average,’ but I feel that would cause it to lose its punch. And a statement like that should have a punch.)
Do you realize what that means? Not only does she have to decide when to have sex, she also has to decide when to stop having sex.
Men can’t decide whether or not to have sex. The decision is already made for him by his penis. The question is never ‘to have or not to have,’ it’s always just ‘to have’ and sometimes ‘how to have.’
(Once again I feel like classifying these sentences with a ‘mostly’ or ‘on average’ writerly safety net. There is a scientist in me that wants to be accurate, but the dramatist in me is winning. Scientists have no fun.)
Men also can’t decide whether or not to stop having sex. Barring a complete miracle or a lightning strike (extraordinary circumstances), once he starts having sex, he is physically oriented to continue until the decision is once again made for him by his penis.
When it comes to sex, women have to do a lot of thinking, with their minds. Vaginas, apparently, can’t think for themselves the way penises can. What kind of a silly sex organ can’t think for itself? Every good genital should have a tiny control center that is able to take over in times of crisis and impose Genital Law.
Absent a tiny, lower brain, her actual ‘brain’ has to step in a lot, like a surrogate penis, and do the ‘thinking’ for her vagina. “Should I have sex?” “Who should I have sex with?” “What kind of sex should I have?” And, once she’s having sex, “When should I stop?”
It sounds exhausting.
If the credits don’t come up, how do you know the movie is finished?
Men Are Like Movies, Women Are Like TV Shows
Men are like movies. They begin on cue, they go through a basic set of plot points and character growth (pun promotional parentheses), then they end and everyone files out of the theater.
Women are like TV shows on Netflix. After a long selection process the show finally begins, there’s a long title sequence to get things rolling, this is followed by a lot of drama and action, and then they always end on a cliffhanger and if you don’t turn your computer off and go the fuck to sleep, another episode will begin.
I could binge-watch her all night.
or The Dirty Screen
As I delve into potentially dangerous sexist waters, I am fully aware of the irony of acting the ‘White Knight’ to the ‘Damsel in Distress’ of ‘Male Privilege.’ That being said, as a boy who texts, I wanted to Devil’s Advocate these three angles of the oft-vilified manner in which boys text: Taking the Initiative, Being Direct, and Being Demeaning.
When boys send texts to girls, they are well known for being a horror show of male privilege and penis obsession (as seen on Tumblr’s StraightWhiteBoysTexting).
But I’m writing this because I don’t think most boys want to hurt most girls.
Most boys just wanna have sex.
Boys want to text things that get them laid, at least a small percentage of the time and with minimum effort. So boys try different things and use what works, however primitive, to get them laid. When boys text girls those dirty, direct, and even demeaning things, it’s usually because those are the things that are working for them with the girls in the demographic they are interested in.
#1: The Initiative to Text
This is what StraightWhiteGirlsTexting looks like:
To take the initiative and put something, anything up on that blank screen is embarrassing and emotionally exposing and just plain difficult, for either sex. If you just say ‘Hi,’ you’re boring and cliche and no different from all the other boys. If you come up with something clever and original and amazing but you say it to more than one girl, you’re treating her like a piece of meat. If you compliment her, beware: too sexual and you’re a creep; too non-sexual and you’re Friend Zoned.
A lot of responsibility comes with being The Chaser, including the responsibility of setting the tone of the interaction. If The Chased doesn’t want to be chased, it’s very easy to block a boy’s texts.
If The Chased does want to be chased but has complaints about The Chaser’s style, it’s also very easy to take the initiative, become The Chaser herself, and set the tone. I think most of us boys would loved being chased from time to time, even if it’s on her terms.
(Note: Bumble is an app that aims to parry this problem by encouraging the She-Predator, Tone-Setter wo-mentality.)
#2: The Direct Texts
Think about this: If boys are being direct about what they want, isn’t that a step up from lying? (Lying: the other complaint girls have about boys.)
Or maybe she would prefer he lie to her?
Communicating verbally what you want to someone, no matter how dirty or unseemly, seems like a form of actively seeking prior consent, which perhaps even the most hardcore Third-Wave feminists might appreciate.
Looking at it this way, StraightWhiteBoysTexting seems to be making fun of boys who are trying to do the right thing and ask for what they want even if it looks silly on paper. (As opposed to boys who use physical domination, psychological intimidation, and pharmaceuticals to get what they want; or girls who have to use manipulation, subtlety, and self-justification to get what they want.)
Is StraightWhiteBoysTexting pro-lying or, worse, anti-consent?
#3: The Demeaning Texts
If most boys just want things that get them sex, on the inverse side, maybe most girls just want things that make them not feel guilty about having sex. Which is why acting like the ‘Confident Dirty Brute Who Is in Control and in Charge of Making the Moves on the Scandalized Stainless Steel Princess’… makes sense.
Although it may be ill-advised, I think most boys who text demeaning things are doing it not to hurt her but actually to appeal to the id beast lurking beneath her innocent surface who yearns to be dominated. He is hoping to connect with the creature below: If her beast howls back, a feast will follow; if her beast is unresponsive, he is not interested either.
Boys may also use demeaning as a way to try to communicate the kind of relationship they are looking for (two people casually using each other for pleasure). For the record, there are better, more respectful ways to communicate these things, but I don’t think it mostly comes from a hurtful place.
Maybe we should all be as honest and emotionally exposed as those straight, white boys.
I understand that the target of StraightWhiteBoysTexting is a humorous takedown of harassment and disrespect and privilege. Looking at it that way, sure, it’s funny.
I see most of these texting fails more as clumsy attempts at fumbling initiative, forthcoming directness, and filthy consent. –To which the alternative is lying to her, concealing from her your true intentions, not asking for her prior consent, or just a blank screen because she’s definitely not going to text you anything ever.
But at least your blank screen will be a clean screen.