or Etiquette at an Orgy
Dear Self-Proclaimed ‘Feminists’ on Tinder,
You say all you want is respect.
Respect takes different faces in different situations. If you showed up naked to an orgy & no one fucked you, that would be a lack of respect. If you strapped your gloves on and climbed into the ring and no one tried to punch you in the face, that would be a lack of respect.
If you have preferences about how you would like to be fucked or punched, your playmate would be wise to listen to you.
I too personally prefer a bit off warm-up before jumping off the diving board into the deep end. But just because you do, criticizing those who don’t doesn’t make you a feminist. And lurking on the fringes of social justice trying to entrap the lame, the sick, and the weak in order to attract more followers to your Twitter or Tumblr doesn’t make you a shero.
You want respect. We here at the orgy want respect too. So please respect our orgy and leave if all you’re going to do is stand in the corner and make killer comments about other people’s buzz.
(In light of recent events, I take this entire article back. Donald Trump is no feminist. Donald Trump is an asshole. Here it is for posterity.)
Trump’s Struggle with Feminism vs Fascism
I don’t like Donald Drumpf. I don’t want him for my president. I think he has a fascist, ego-driven side that would dictate the majority of his actions in the Oval Office.
I also think he has a feminist side that struggles against his fascist side. And even though it may not always win, it’s still refreshing when it pops its cute little head out.
On the one hand, he objectifies some women and throws gender-specific insults at women who oppose him. On the other hand, he supports closing the gender pay gap, both with his actions and his words, and he’s the first Republican presidential candidate ever to offer any kind of support for Planned Parenthood and the “millions of women (it has) helped greatly.”
One of the strongest feminist statements Donald Trump has made, however, is often interpreted as a racist generalization.
Yes, I’m talking about when he denounced rape culture in Mexico.
Don’t get me wrong, I love Mexico with all my heart. But I hate rape. And I think it’s about time we faced the fact that there is an ugly and very deeply-entrenched culture of rape and sexual harassment marring this very beautiful country.
And honestly, if anyone else with a little more finesse than Donald Trump had stood up and spoken against the widespread anti-woman sentiments poisoning so much of Latino culture, the rest of the world might have listened.
Here are some examples that will make your skin crawl:
According to a 2011 United Nations study, Mexico was awarded the planet’s gold medal for sexual violence against women. The UN study estimated that almost one out of every two women in Mexico have been victims of some kind of physical sexual aggression ranging from forced sexual contact to all out rape.
Once again, that is: according to the UN, Mexico is #1 in the world concerning sexual violence against women.
Suck it, Iraq.
Mexico’s Ministry of Health estimates that 120,000 rapes are committed per year in Mexico, one every four minutes. Only about 15% of these are ever officially reported, and of those that are reported, only a shocking 5% ever make it to trial.
This means that if you decide to rape a woman in Mexico (which apparently is happening to about half the women here), about nine times out of 10, your life will continue being pretty cool.
If these statistics have left you feeling depressed and angry, here is a fun and alliterative list of some words that should never be put together, to lighten your mood again:
- Harassment Heaven
- Sexual Assault Shangri-La
- Coercion Cloud Nine
- Rape Disneyland
No Never Means No
Sociologist and NYU professor Eric Klinenberg has studied extensively what he terms the Latino “culture of male aggression,” stating that in Hispanic cultures there’s an idea that “no doesn’t mean no. If she’s really not interested, she’ll just ignore you.”
You can try this one out for yourself: repeat the above “no”-negation statement to any of your Mexican friends and, instead of shock and horror about this dangerous anti-woman sentiment, you will be greeted with laughter and hearty agreement. Even the most feminist women I know here have resigned themselves to this as a simple fact of life, and many have even embraced it.
Unfortunately, all of this leads to…
A Culture of Coercion
…in which it is normal and everyday for men to be constantly begging, convincing, and intimidating women into having sex with them. This is so commonplace here that when she tells you no and you say okay and walk away, she will ask you what happened, what’s wrong, don’t you like her.
It’s almost impossible to have any kind of a sex life in Mexico without some form of, “C’mon, baby,” a sprinkling of, “I know you want it,” and a dash of, “Baby, it’s cold outside.”
Minor Gold Mine
This one is as easy as it is heartbreaking, and I could go statistical (boring) or anecdotal (incomplete), because both are aplenty.
The fact is that right now there is a 50-foot tall campaign in front of every IMSS building (Mexican Social Security Institute) that screams in giant letters, “1 out of 2 women who begin their sex life before the age of 15 will get pregnant.”
The fact is that about 99% of all the men I know here will sit around telling jolly stories of that time they banged (raped) a 14-year old.
The fact is that the Mexican National Health and Nutrition Survey Institution (ENSANUT) is alarmed that the percentage of girls who begin having sex between the ages of 12 and 17 years old has risen from 15% in 2006 to 23% in 2012 and is still rising.
The fact is that you if you tell these adult males who are slapping each other’s backs and one-upping each other’s child rape stories that of course you wouldn’t sleep with a 14-year old, not only will you be laughed out of the room, but no one will even believe you because it sounds so unlikely to them.
The sobering fact is that Latin America has the second highest underage pregnancy rate. IN. THE. WORLD.
In case it isn’t clear why I put this section in here (and it wasn’t clear when I ran this topic by a few of my Mexican readers): having sex with a minor, even consensual sex, is rape.
Rape a Lesbian
The other night I happened to glance at my Twitter trending feed and I noticed that the hashtag #ViolaYCuraAUnaLesbiana – Rape A Lesbian To Cure Her – was trending specifically in Mexico. I don’t know where it started or what exactly it was referring to (apart from the self-explanatory obvious), but it continued to trend for about four hours before tapering off.
The next day I referred to this odd and revolting hashtag in the context of, “I bet Donald Trump would be real proud.” I didn’t hear back any type of remorse or surprise or disgust or condemnation from the 20,000+ men who had been laughing on Twitter the night before about raping lesbians. I did, however, hear back that I was a “fucking racist.”
So I guess I’m sort of beginning to understand what Donald Trump was referring to.
Mexico’s Struggle with Racism vs Feminism
I love Mexicans, and I know not all Mexicans or all Mexican demographics are rapists (just mostly the adult male demographic, I’m assuming). But when you have numbers that scream this loud for attention, I feel like they’re just begging for someone to do something.
And it would suck if I had to choose between being a racist and being a feminist.
or The Dirty Screen
As I delve into potentially dangerous sexist waters, I am fully aware of the irony of acting the ‘White Knight’ to the ‘Damsel in Distress’ of ‘Male Privilege.’ That being said, as a boy who texts, I wanted to Devil’s Advocate these three angles of the oft-vilified manner in which boys text: Taking the Initiative, Being Direct, and Being Demeaning.
When boys send texts to girls, they are well known for being a horror show of male privilege and penis obsession (as seen on Tumblr’s StraightWhiteBoysTexting).
But I’m writing this because I don’t think most boys want to hurt most girls.
Most boys just wanna have sex.
Boys want to text things that get them laid, at least a small percentage of the time and with minimum effort. So boys try different things and use what works, however primitive, to get them laid. When boys text girls those dirty, direct, and even demeaning things, it’s usually because those are the things that are working for them with the girls in the demographic they are interested in.
#1: The Initiative to Text
This is what StraightWhiteGirlsTexting looks like:
To take the initiative and put something, anything up on that blank screen is embarrassing and emotionally exposing and just plain difficult, for either sex. If you just say ‘Hi,’ you’re boring and cliche and no different from all the other boys. If you come up with something clever and original and amazing but you say it to more than one girl, you’re treating her like a piece of meat. If you compliment her, beware: too sexual and you’re a creep; too non-sexual and you’re Friend Zoned.
A lot of responsibility comes with being The Chaser, including the responsibility of setting the tone of the interaction. If The Chased doesn’t want to be chased, it’s very easy to block a boy’s texts.
If The Chased does want to be chased but has complaints about The Chaser’s style, it’s also very easy to take the initiative, become The Chaser herself, and set the tone. I think most of us boys would loved being chased from time to time, even if it’s on her terms.
(Note: Bumble is an app that aims to parry this problem by encouraging the She-Predator, Tone-Setter wo-mentality.)
#2: The Direct Texts
Think about this: If boys are being direct about what they want, isn’t that a step up from lying? (Lying: the other complaint girls have about boys.)
Or maybe she would prefer he lie to her?
Communicating verbally what you want to someone, no matter how dirty or unseemly, seems like a form of actively seeking prior consent, which perhaps even the most hardcore Third-Wave feminists might appreciate.
Looking at it this way, StraightWhiteBoysTexting seems to be making fun of boys who are trying to do the right thing and ask for what they want even if it looks silly on paper. (As opposed to boys who use physical domination, psychological intimidation, and pharmaceuticals to get what they want; or girls who have to use manipulation, subtlety, and self-justification to get what they want.)
Is StraightWhiteBoysTexting pro-lying or, worse, anti-consent?
#3: The Demeaning Texts
If most boys just want things that get them sex, on the inverse side, maybe most girls just want things that make them not feel guilty about having sex. Which is why acting like the ‘Confident Dirty Brute Who Is in Control and in Charge of Making the Moves on the Scandalized Stainless Steel Princess’… makes sense.
Although it may be ill-advised, I think most boys who text demeaning things are doing it not to hurt her but actually to appeal to the id beast lurking beneath her innocent surface who yearns to be dominated. He is hoping to connect with the creature below: If her beast howls back, a feast will follow; if her beast is unresponsive, he is not interested either.
Boys may also use demeaning as a way to try to communicate the kind of relationship they are looking for (two people casually using each other for pleasure). For the record, there are better, more respectful ways to communicate these things, but I don’t think it mostly comes from a hurtful place.
Maybe we should all be as honest and emotionally exposed as those straight, white boys.
I understand that the target of StraightWhiteBoysTexting is a humorous takedown of harassment and disrespect and privilege. Looking at it that way, sure, it’s funny.
I see most of these texting fails more as clumsy attempts at fumbling initiative, forthcoming directness, and filthy consent. –To which the alternative is lying to her, concealing from her your true intentions, not asking for her prior consent, or just a blank screen because she’s definitely not going to text you anything ever.
But at least your blank screen will be a clean screen.
or The Friend Zone Is Toxic
Does it make you uncomfortable when someone does something to you that you don’t want?
You only want to be friends if there’s no flirting involved. I only want to be friends if there’s lots of flirting involved.
It might sound mean, but I have personal reasons.
I’m attracted to you. I think you’re crazy hot.
This means one of two things.
- One, maybe you’re not attracted to me. Me being attracted to you and you not being attracted to me will create an imbalance of power in the friendship between us. Friendships based on power imbalances are toxic.
- Two, you ARE attracted to me. If you ARE attracted to me, then that also means one of two things.
- Either you’re hiding from me how you feel.
- Or you’re also lying to yourself.
- Friendships based on dishonesty or lack of self-awareness are toxic.
I’m sorry, but I can’t have toxic friendships in my life right now
or Free the Bacon/Nipple
or Funny, but Not Helpful
‘Free the Nipple’ is a movie/movement (movie-ment) campaigning to decriminalize female public toplessness and to highlight the hypocrisy of society’s tendency to sexualize the female upper body to a vastly greater degree than the male upper body. This issue is seen by the sex positive and women’s rights communities as a fundamental global gender equality issue.
Underscoring the deepset double standard about this issue by both conservative and misinformed men and women, this week actor Kevin Bacon released a parody of the Free the Nipple movie-ment entitled ‘Free the Bacon.’ This short film campaigned tongue-in-cheek-edly to portray more male nudity in movies (in the film’s words, the ‘Bacon’ represents the male cock and balls).
What was funniest about this parody, however, was the fundamental misunderstanding of the issue it was parodying. Taking Free the Nipple’s de-stigmatization of female upper body nudity and attempting to transfer it to the male arena by promoting male lower body nudity essentially attempts to nullify the former’s campaign by reinforcing the exact thing the movie-ment is campaigning against.
Let me put it a few more ways.
Equating male genitalia (lower body) with female nipples (upper body) is exactly what Free the Nipple is trying to get away from. Equating women’s chests with men’s groins is saying that man bodies are more important than lady bodies. Because equating tits with cock sexually objectifies women’s bodies to a greater degree than men’s and reinforces the mindset that men are real people and women are for sex.
Nipples, whether male or female, are nipples: they are not genitals. And although, true, there are very few male cocks in movies and very many female breasts, there are also very few female pussies in movies (the female equivalent of ‘Bacon’) and very many male chests (the male equivalent of ‘Nipple,’ given that nipples are located on chests).
Nudity is awesome, and there should be more of it in all its forms. I just don’t like the underlying assumption that women’s chests are genitals and men’s chests aren’t. There are way more shirtless guys in movies than there are topless girls, and there are very few actual genitalia, whether Bacon or Taco. If you consider male/female bodies to have equal rights, that conclusion will make sense to you.
If you want more Bacon, let’s, in the same breath, also campaign for more Taco. I’m all for it. But we can do that after we’ve succeeded in bringing female toplessness on par with male toplessness – socially, legally, and in your, yes your, mind as well.
Men are already way ahead of women in the movie-nudity department; no reason to push them even further ahead. Let’s start with chests (male and female), then we’ll do thighs (male and female). One body part at a time, please.
(Or, fuck it, let’s just free the whole body at once: Free the Nipples, the Bacons, and the Tacos all together! Let it all hang out! I would watch that.)
The Free the Nipple movie-ment is a step in the right direction. And lapses like Free the Bacon are a stumble backwards in the opposite direction.
So……….. very funny, Kevin Bacon, but not helpful.
This morning I wrote a tweet, which started a conversation that made me think. I wrote this: “To me, fat is not funny or sympathetic. As a dangerous, debilitating, & easily-avoidable self-inflicted medical condition, fat is just sad.”
In response, I was told by a thoughtful man that what I had said was offensive to him. Now I am well aware that facts can be offensive (both in the immutable way that boys are generally stronger than girls and in the very mutable way that boys are generally paid more than girls). But was this offensive statement a fact, or was it just an offensive statement?
Keep in mind, I am talking about the physical dangers of being fat. I have never implied that fat is less smart, less attractive, less aesthetically pleasing, or less kind.
Smart: I have known brilliant minds whose bodies carried around the cross of this disorder.
Attractive: I have had girlfriends who were unilaterally considered overweight. Many people find certain kinds of fat very attractive (see this article’s featured image).
Aesthetic: Here in Mexico, they have a compound word ‘gordi-buenas,’ literally put together from the words ‘fat’ and ‘hot,’ implying that they are one and the same. (NOTE: Gordi-buenas refers to women. I have never heard of Gordi-buenos.)
Kind: I often think that due to the humor and ridicule many people (not me) associate with their condition, fat people tend to be kinder than most human beings of ideal weight.
But they’re also dying a lot faster.
I had made a number of very specific claims in my statement – that fat was 1: dangerous, 2: debilitating, 3: easily avoidable, and 4: self-inflicted. I wanted to find out if these were really the case. On a scale of one to 10, how specious was I being? Was fat really dangerous? Was it really self-inflicted?
One of the most obvious and (to me) one of the saddest types of fat also turns out to be the most dangerous. It is the visceral menace that accumulates around your waistline: belly fat. Researchers describe this fat as a brand new active organ that you have unwittingly grown inside your own body – an organ that steadily pumps poison into the rest of your organs.
Central obesity increases a woman’s risk of heart disease five times, her risk of breast cancer by a third, and doubles her risk of gallstones. It also increases men’s risk of erectile dysfunction, and of something called ‘all-cause mortality.’ That literally means that being fat increases your chances of dying early from anything, period.
Not only is fat dangerous, it is living on the fucking edge much more than skiing or skydiving. Statistically, eating and inactivity can beat any extreme sport hands down.
A debilitating disease is one that drastically weakens your body. Like congestive heart failure (four times more likely in obese persons). Or degenerative (osteo) arthritis (five times more likely in overweight persons). Or 37 other horrible illnesses that fat women are more likely to experience, and 29 debilitating conditions that fat men are more likely to develop.
In fact, the most dangerous type of fat mentioned above (belly fat) is actually the easiest to get rid of because of its proximity to the liver (fat-burning being one of the liver’s main jobs). Unfortunately, this means making healthy lifestyle choices. Every. Fucking. Day. It means taking that shit out of your mouth and getting up.
Eat actual food. Not too much. Move around. How much easier could it be?
Genes influence human physiology, but single-gene forms of obesity are very rare. It turns out that in most people, genetic factors only make a very small contribution to their weight – a contribution that can be easily counteracted by positive lifestyle choices such as physical activity and low caloric intake.
Is it because audiences see fat people as being jolly? As being out of control? As failing at being sexy so being forced to develop humor as a backup plan? A glance at Rolling Stones’ list of the 50 Funniest People in the World shows a much higher percentage of funny fat performers per capita than serious celebrity lists (Louis CK, Lena Dunham, Zach Galifianakis, Ricky Gervais, Rebel Wilson, Mindy Kaling, Tracy Morgan, Melissa McCarthy, among many other household names).
But if you are fat and you disagree with this post, chances are you mean well. A recent study on the indelible link between sugar and obesity (high sugar consumption = 50% increased likelihood of obesity) also highlighted another interesting fact: fat people are often in denial about how much they eat. The study indicated that people with a higher Body Mass Index tended to underestimate the amount of food they had eaten.
Fat people don’t make me laugh, they make me sad, much in the same way that chain smokers or heroin abusers don’t make me laugh. So if this post is fat-shaming, it is so in the way that the hideous pictures on cigarette cartons are smoker-shaming.
Cigarettes kill people. Fat kills more people and faster.
Back in 2001, Surgeon General David Satcher announced that fat was poised to take over tobacco as the leading cause of preventable deaths. In the 15 years since that announcement was made, fat has given smoking a sound beating year after year in the arena of killing humans.
But Surgeon General David Satcher was skinny and handsome and therefore not to be trusted.
Because as everyone knows, all beautiful people are stupid and have terrible personalities.
or Abusing Back
I believe most of my readers are intelligent, tasteful, wholesome, loving people who are already fully aware that when I refer to sex, I am talking about a normal, natural dance of life which should only be performed with enthusiastic mutual consent and raw honesty.
I don’t believe we (writers or sex writers to be specific) should have to gear everything we say (or everything we say about sex) to the lowest element of rapists and abusers or the most fragile element of raped and abused. Yes, those things happen, and yes, they are sad. But I believe that humanity as a whole wants to be better than its tragedy and, in general, is in fact better.
I believe most of us have probably been physically or emotionally abused in some way at some point in our lives and are doing our damnedest to get past it. The abuse-recovery-growth cycle may even be part of the human condition.
But I don’t believe that censorship for the sensitive is the appropriate response to that cycle.
Censorship is the sensitive’s way of abusing back instead of bouncing back.
Catering to the lowest common denominator only drags everyone down. It irks me when sensitive people demand a universal lowering of the voice in order to make everyone grovel before their sensitivity. Oh really, you’re sensitive? Sucks for you! Cuz I’m not paying the price just because you’re more sensitive. I’m not more sensitive and look how happy I am right now. Maybe you should be less sensitive and then you’ll feel less bad.
If you have a wound that is still smarting, you need to spend time and energy healing it in a safe environment where normal healthy human activities can’t get in and fuck with your head. But it’s unfair to insist that everyone else get sick like you.
You can’t expect the world to tiptoe around you just because of something you refuse to get over. It’s like fat people demanding we make bigger doors or people with irrational fears demanding we kill clowns.
As fictional President Jed Bartlet in The West Wing liked to say, “It’s not our job to appeal to the lowest common denominator, Doug – it’s our job to raise it.”
or Aww C’mon
I don’t rape. And I’m also not a racist. In fact, when I think about it, it’s odd to my mind that things like rape and discrimination actually exist or ever existed. Call me an out of touch, hippie-raised, Third Culture Adult…
I recently wrote an article about the Steubenville rape culture, which garnered me all sorts of hate and love mail from both friends and strangers. While I definitely think that some perspective is needed and that exaggeration can water down any message (see the wildly exaggerated parables and metaphors of Jesus Christ), while later reading all the different definitions of rape and the confabulations of the consent culture, it occurred to me that I actually agree with a lot of them.
Rape may be all about dark alleys and dark strangers, connotation-ally, and all about penetration, legally, but I stand with these gals that to me too, rape is any sexual act that you have not freely agreed to.
Tricking or coercing someone into anything sexual is, if not strictly, legally rape, then at least definitely rapey. AboutDateRape defines date rape as, among other things, using “emotional blackmail or alcohol…to force or trick you” into sexual acts.
‘Baby It’s Cold Outside’ is totally a date rape anthem.
Drinking is a popular form of rapey coercion. While I definitely agree that the beginning stages of drinking lower your inhibitions and often allow you to be a better you, there is usually a fine line between those and the later, don’t-remember-it-the-next-day stages.
Unless she is completely passed out, it can be hard to tell if she is too drunk to give consent. It’s always better to leave a safe margin on the side of “she wasn’t too drunk” rather than on the side of “she was.”
I’m not saying that I haven’t had a few slip ups where we both woke up the next day barely remembering anything. And I’m not saying it can never be fun to get drunk and fuck on purpose and with previous consent. But as a general rule, I definitely prefer both of us as conscious as possible when drinking in each other’s bodies.
Another popular form of rapey coercion is supplication or persuasion.
One night in a beach town in Mexico, I was in a taxi on the way to her apartment after an evening of raucous clubbing. Peering out from the veil of her sun-bleached hair, frantic lips, and gripping legs wrapped around me, I gradually became aware that there were two other people in the back of the cab with us.
And one of them was being raped.
Not strictly speaking or in any legal sense. She was the best friend of the girl I was with, and he was my boss. The conversation went something like this.
Him: Baby, you’re so beautiful, come on, let’s just have some drinks at your apartment.
Him: But your smile is so beautiful; has anyone ever told you you have perfect lips? Come on, let’s just go back to your place and see what happens.
Her: No, get off of…
Him: MUA! -See, you kissed me? I know you want it.
Her: Don’t do that!
Him: But come on! Life is so short, and right now it’s just me and you, and you’re such a smart girl, and you’ve completely conquered my mind and…
Coercion may not be rape but it’s definitely rapey.
A great woman once said:
“Don’t have sex with someone who is not unambiguously, enthusiastically, and continually consenting. Don’t have sex with someone who says ‘I guess so’ or ‘okay, fine’ (unless they are grinning lasciviously as they say this). Don’t convince someone to have sex. If they don’t want you, really want you from the bottom of their heart and/or groin, respect that.”
I don’t know why she double-spaces her sentences, but what’s important here is the message between those weird double-spaces.
Someone once told me that I’m less ‘sexual’ than other guys because I don’t push. I’ll make sure it is clear in your mind the wonderful, filthy things I want to do to you, and you will never have any doubts about the kind of person I am and what that person wants from the kind of person you are (besides your great friendship and ingenious conversation). But I won’t cajole you. I won’t persuade you. And I won’t try to convince you.
You need to make up your own mind about that. If you can’t decide for yourself, it’s usually because you’re either somehow not mature enough or somehow misguidedly religious and torn between your spiritual and your sensual beings because of a misunderstanding about how those beings are actually one and the same.
Either way, when you don’t know what you want, it usually bleeds into your sexuality and can make for a very confusing, unsatisfying experience for both of us. I prefer to stay away. I’ve heard of the “have intercourse or you’re a failure” mindset, but I don’t buy into it. No sex is better than bad sex.