joe solves superheroes.


The problem with superhero movies is the lack of absolutely ANY lasting negative consequences.

Die? Come back to life.

Lose your powers? Get way better powers.

Get arrested? Escape.

Lose an arm? Bionic arm.

(Box office bomb? Reboot.)

No wonder there are so many villains. If you lived in a world where there were zero lasting negative consequences to your actions, you’d probably be a villain too.

Audiences are getting sick of it. Maybe that will be a lasting negative consequence they can’t ignore.

joe solves music.


If you ask me what genre of music I like, I’ll tell you I like Music That Is Made For People Who Make Music.

Music That Understands It Is Part Of A Conservation That We’re All Adding To.

That’s why I don’t listen to 80s or 90s music, or The Beatles, or music that tries to sound like oldies. I think we’ve pretty much already covered those topics around 20. Freaking. Years. Ago.

It’s disrespectful to the people who are still having the conservation to butt in with some non sequitur throwback to a theme that’s already been thoroughly discussed and then moved on from. When you keep popping up with that feel-good story from your high school years (that we’ve all already heard a million times), my mind starts to wander.

Don’t be that guy, bro. Don’t be that guy.

joe solves instafame.


There are two ways to become Instafamous:

The hard way involves relentlessly uploading photos of your ass in hashtag-worthy poses and then taking the time to interact with your budding fan base using genuine human friendliness.

The easy way involves just throwing some money around. And not even that much money.

Mediakix, an influencer marketing service, recently conducted an experiment where researchers created two fictitious Instagram accounts filled entirely with bought followers, likes, and comments to see if brands would take the bait. Take the bait they did, and the fake accounts almost immediately received four paid brand deals involving monetary compensation and free products. Although they did not disclose exactly how much they spent on their Instafame, they did give rough estimates of average individual follower/like/comment prices, which we added up to bring you a few juicy totals.

Prices are in US dollars:

  • 30k followers = $240
  • 26.5k likes = $185
  • 730 comments = $90

The price of Instafame is officially $515.

Instafame solved.

joe solves global warming.


Global warming causes…
Male sperm count to go down, which equals…
Less babies, which equals…
Less humans, which means…
Less pollution, and ergo…
Global warming solved.

Here it is in equation form:

Global warming = low male sperm count = less babies = less humans = less pollution = no global warming.

Folks, it’s a self-solving problem.


i only lie to religious girls


religious girls sexylittleideas

Any adult person who is religious deserves to be lied to.

The one thing religious people & atheists agree on is that there is no proof behind religious belief systems, & there probably never will be.

If you are a religious person who has put any thought into your beliefs, you understand that they are not supported by any verifiable facts or data.

By believing things that are not supported by facts & have no basis in concrete evidence or even strong suggestion, what you are saying is that facts don’t matter to you.

If facts don’t matter to you, then the difference between true & false is a very blurry line.

If the difference between true & false is blurry, honey, then yes, I stayed late at the office, “working.”

i can bake my own cookies, thank you


feminism racism cookies sexylittleideas

or Equality vs ME-quality

Equality will always come in second to ME-quality.

No matter how pressing the problems of a different social group may objectively become, the problems of your own social group will always matter more to the majority of human beings. This is just a simple fact about humans and how our survival instinct has evolved.

It is statistically true that there has been an imbalance of power in favor of men for far too many years now. This power imbalance applies across many areas of life including politically, domestically, financially, and socially.

I believe the imbalance may be due mostly or in part to the higher average strength and agility levels of the male gender, which are of course due to our higher testosterone levels. The imbalance may have originated in cave-times, when brute strength correlated more closely with power, and then carried over to modern times.

Now the power imbalance is slowly disappearing as our one male advantage of brute strength matters less and less in everyday life. We as a species are focusing more on the other human skill sets in which males and females have more equal abilities: general intelligence, strategizing, creativity, memory, social manipulation, economic productivity, etc.

So when someone complains about the way “men” (or “women”) act, I think it’s silly. The entire premise of feminism is predicated on the intellectual, social, and sexual equality of the genders. The one remaining difference is our programming, whether social, cultural, or parental.

So if a generic man acts a certain way in a certain situation, you can be sure that if you put a generic woman in an identical situation, she will respond in a similar manner.

Rich guys love to show off their wealth; Rich girls love to show off their wealth.

Attractive girls are divas; Attractive guys are divas.

Cool guys act like they don’t give a fuck; Cool girls act like they don’t give a fuck.

(Most of them actually do give a fuck.)

For every entitled male, there is an equally entitled female.

For every offensive male trope about women, there is an equally offensive female trope about men.

For every male gaze, there is an equally penetrating female gaze.

Let’s not kid ourselves.

Whether it’s race, gender, sexual orientation, economic class or whatever, lumping together everyone in a certain group strikes me as unfair.

how to win the next election


how win next election sexylittleideas

The Democrats have just proven that in order to win, you have to appeal to black voters.

White male voters are 50/50 assholes, Latino voters have shown that their vote may swing either way, and white women voters are also notoriously fickle. The only way to guarantee you’ll win a presidency is to have a candidate that gets black voters out to vote.

The last two Democrat landslides were, 1) stylish saxophonist Bill Clinton (with a magical 90% black voter approval rating) and, 2) Barack Obama. The other party will probably always have a white candidate for the near future, so that demographic will always be pretty much wrapped up or at least hotly contested. If black voters have to choose between two white candidates, their vote could go either way, or could stay home. But if they get to choose between a white candidate and a black candidate, which candidate do you think the vast majority of black voters would be more likely to trust?

And any candidate who can win the trust of the majority of black voters, will win the election. A liberal black candidate who automatically gets the liberal white vote, the liberal Latino vote, the gay vote, and the black vote will landslide every time.

If the Democrats figure this out first, then our next few presidents will be Democrat and black, not necessarily in that order.

Until the Republicans catch up and start thinking about being able to stomach putting persons of color on their ticket.

Then it will be anyone’s game again.

how not to say no to sex



or Consent vs Nonsense

Dear Amber Rose,

I can go to a restaurant, sit down at a table, fold my napkin on my lap, call a waiter over, & then tell them that I don’t want anything to eat. I might not be welcomed back to the restaurant though.

I can spend years training to be an astronaut, pass my medical, physical, and psychological tests, become an expert in navigating the harsh environment of space, suit up, climb into a rocket, prep all systems for launch, and then let Houston know that I don’t actually want to go to the moon. No one’s going to force me to go to the moon.

I can run for president, throw millions of my own dollars into my campaign, travel incessantly around the country, perform all sorts of ethically dubious tricks to get voters on my side, by some miracle claim a decisive victory where it matters, and then refuse to go to intelligence briefings and tell my VP and Cabinet to do my job while I comb my hair in front of a golden mirror. My backers might feel cheated; but political, social, and sexual norms are very different from laws; and I wouldn’t be breaking any (laws, that is).

I am also well within my rights to go to the farmer’s market and stock up on beautiful, ripe, organic produce; go home and finely chop that produce into a delicious tossed salad; fire up the grill and cook up a piping hot grilled steak to round off my meal; and then throw that entire meal into the garbage and go to bed hungry. I can do that. I am allowed to change my mind.

The thing is, if I make a habit out of building walls and then banging my head against them, I might raise some eyebrows among the mental health professional community.

There are no laws against schizophrenic self-sabotage. So yes, you can say no to anything at any time. You can also say yes to anything at any time. I say yes to being a legendary rock star every day; doesn’t mean I am one.

If you take the ‘sense’ out of ‘consensual,’ all you’re left with is a big, fat con.

It might be helpful if we talked more CONsent and less NONsense.

why you should make a sex tape


why sex tape sexylittleideas

All Millennials should make a sex tape while they’re young. Your sex tape is your backup plan, just in case you don’t get rich and famous with your Plan A.

By all means, keep studying nutrition or makeup or improv comedy, or whatever sparkly pseudo-career you believe will be your primary path to the prosperity and adulation you deserve.

But have that sex tape in your back pocket just in case it doesn’t work out. Here are a few tips for making your sex tape:

  • Both partners must agree to share full creative control. That way, if one of you doesn’t like how it came out, you have the peace of mind to know that you can just throw that scene away and try again.

  • It’s important to sincerely commit to making the film sexy, passionate, and beautiful. You owe it to your future fans.

  • Many amateur male porn stars find that the increased expectations of being in front of a camera may give them performance anxiety. Bring Viagra just in case.

  • There is a reverse pay gap in porn industry earnings. A 60-40 percentage split in her favor is a reasonable place to start your profit negotiations (assuming both parties invest equally – presumably zero at the beginning – in production and marketing).

  • Keep in mind that her face and body will be the film’s center of attention. As the star of the film, she can expect a lot more of both the inconveniences and the opportunities from the film than he.

  • If you aren’t comfortable with appearing on camera, wear a mask or an eyeshade. Mardi Gras masks can be both sexy and concealing without distracting from the action.

  • You can either just set the camera somewhere and forget about it, or film from his and/or her point of view. POV scenes are all the rage.

22 of your favorite TV characters who definitely voted Trump


archer trump sexylittleideas

Walter White would definitely vote for fellow empire-builder Trump.

You know Jesse Pinkman was hardcore Trump, bitch.

Saul Goodman probably voted Trump.

One sociopath to another, Dexter would be a killer Trump voter.

FBI agents & conspiracy theorists Mulder & Scully would have hated Hillary, voted Trump.

As a friend & supporter of the hacking community, I can see how Mr. Trump might have even appealed to Mr. Robot.

Barney Stinson would have been a legendary Trump supporter.

The entire Modern Family would be huge Trump cheerleaders (yes, even Gloria, statistically speaking).

All of the Sopranos would have taken great pleasure in voting for Trump.

Those adorable kids on Stranger Things? -All their fictional parents would have been fictional Trump voters.

The entire Lannister family INCLUDING Tyrion– definitely Trump voters.

Yer darn tootin’ sure all the characters in Fargo voted Trump.

Fellow millionaire Bruce Wayne would definitely vote for the President the US deserves: Donald Trump.

Frank Underwood would’ve voted Hillary.

As the mature & adult thing to do, Seinfield would definitely NOT have voted for Hillary.

Joey, Chandler, Ross, Rachel – all your favorite Friends characters would be big Trump supporters.

Ash & all of the Evil Dead definitely moonlighted as Trump supporters, baby.

No question, Rick Grimes would have voted Trump. For Carl.

Daryl & Carol would have definitely voted Trump. Glenn probably would have voted Hillary (had his head not been split open).

Don Draper would have voted Trump like there was no tomorrow.

Piper Chapman would probably be a Trump supporter.

Oliver Queen would totally have voted Trump. (Hillary failed his city.)

And you KNOW Archer Sterling was one shitsnacking proud idiot Trump voter.

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