or SexyLittleLaws to Live By
Never trust in bed a woman who asks you to follow her on Instagram and then doesn’t follow you back.
The fruit always looks much bigger on the tree, before you pick it.
If you eat an Oreo in the woods & no one is there to see, it doesn’t count and will not make you fat.
When you say, “Get over yourself!” to someone & then they throw their coffee in your face, it is proof they did not get over themselves.
Angels make the best demons.
The Law of Looking
When you expend too much energy trying to look smart or sexy or cool or sporty, you are left with too little energy to actually be smart or sexy or cool or sporty.
Counterintuitively, looking tends to actually take away from being.
Always get high before going to an all-you-can-eat buffet.
The Law of Dick
If everything a man ever says to a woman means “Want some dick?” then everything a woman ever says to a man means “Can you please offer me some dick!”
Piano players should get jobs in which playing piano is a benefit.
The Law of the Americas
Your Northern neighbors will treat you about as well as you treat your Southern neighbors.
Whether monster or mouse, always be proud of what you are.
How to Get Away with Smoking:
1. Get sick of people criticizing you for smoking cigarettes.
2. Get horribly addicted to meth.
3. Manage to miraculously quit meth.
4. Everyone congratulates you for the rest of your life for only smoking cigarettes.
1. Be a bad influence.
2. Date spoiled rich princesses.
3. Their rich parents offer to pay you to stop dating their precious daughters.
4. Accept money.
How to Look Really Good:
1. Work out every day.
2. Have good genes.
3. It’s not that hard.
Fight Juvenile Delinquency:
1. Catch a minor smoking weed.
2. Steal the weed.
3. Save the minor.
4. Free weed.
1. Get bitten by a werewolf.
2. Become an astronaut.
3. Go to the moon.
4. BOOM – you’re a permanent werewolf.
or Why You Should Just Stay Home and Jerk Off
When making a case for something, there are a lot of ways to compare the options.
Let’s use your computer as an example.
You can compare for price: cheaper is better.
You can compare for graphics: prettier is better.
You can compare for speed: faster is better.
You can compare for energy: more efficient is better.
You can compare for popularity: the more people like it the better.
You can compare for memory: the better memory, the better.
You can compare for danger: safer is better.
Or you can compare for value – performance rated against cost: the lowest cost for the highest performance wins.
It all depends on what you want out of the product – and out of life.
Sex, it could be said, is more or less the same.
or Sex Negative
Heterosexuals bash gays.
Gays bash bisexuals.
Bisexuals bash transsexuals.
Transsexuals bash polys.
Polys bash swingers.
Swingers bash voyeurs.
Voyeurs bash porn.
Porn bashes feminists.
Feminists bash sex workers.
Sex workers bash sadomasochists.
Sadomasochists bash urophiliacs.
Urophiliacs bash coprophiliacs.
Coprophiliacs bash vanillas.
Sex positive means that we’re positive about sex (between consenting adults). Not just our own sex, all kinds of sex in all kinds of forms.
Why can’t we all be less Sex Politics and more Sex Positive?
or Friends and Benefits (In Order of Importance)
I fuck and am fucked in a very comfortable amount by a very few people in a circle of generosity and respect. And maybe that’s why I’m not often willing to put up with lack of generosity and respect.
What I want is more complex than “to fuck.”
I want to fuck sometimes and just to not fuck other times.
I want to give and receive.
I want to feel like she respects me enough in our friendship so that when she grabs a handful of my hair and thrusts her clit into my face, I don’t feel a lack of respect.
I want to respect her enough in our friendship so that when she chokes on my cock, she doesn’t feel a lack of respect.
I want for it sometimes to be Her Day and sometimes to be My Day.
I want to be able to hear/say some days, “I only have 15 minutes, let’s fuck quickly.” And I want to be able to hear/say other days, “I don’t feel like having sex right now, can we just hang out?”
I want to be part of a subset of humans who treat each other like living-breathing-feeling; intelligent-emotional-sexual; honest, complete human beings.
I want community, mutual respect, friendship, and fucking; in that order.
Or I don’t want anything at all.
Every single other cave-technology has been heavily upgraded for today’s world.
Marriage and other monogamous relationships are the only thing invented by a caveman that we still do pretty much exactly the same today. But I like to think that most of us are smarter than a caveman.
Monogamy is a technology that we invented as cavemen to serve a purpose – a technology that is now showing its age. It hasn’t aged well.
Whether or not our feelings and needs as humans have evolved since cave-times is not the point. The technology that we use to deal with our feelings and needs has evolved in every single area, with only this one notable exception. Whether or not we make friends or make love differently-than or similarly-to our semi-human ancestors, dealing with those loves and friendships in the same way that they did would be like using an iPhone 1.0 (or a beeper or a telegraph or a homing pigeon) to talk to your buddies when there are now so many options that are objectively better and more “you.”
You don’t have to Tweet or Snapchat if those things are not “you.” You can Skype or text or dial or, really, whatever feels like “you.” But whatever you do, seriously, put away that beeper. You look silly.
Traditional monogamy in today’s world serves the same purpose as a spear. It is something that belongs in museums and private archaeological collections, but you would never take it out hunting, and you would definitely never bring it to the supermarket.
Dear monogamous couples, I see your spear and I raise you a semi-automatic assault rifle with laser sights.