All Millennials should make a sex tape while they’re young. Your sex tape is your backup plan, just in case you don’t get rich and famous with your Plan A.
By all means, keep studying nutrition or makeup or improv comedy, or whatever sparkly pseudo-career you believe will be your primary path to the prosperity and adulation you deserve.
But have that sex tape in your back pocket just in case it doesn’t work out. Here are a few tips for making your sex tape:
- Both partners must agree to share full creative control. That way, if one of you doesn’t like how it came out, you have the peace of mind to know that you can just throw that scene away and try again.
- It’s important to sincerely commit to making the film sexy, passionate, and beautiful. You owe it to your future fans.
- Many amateur male porn stars find that the increased expectations of being in front of a camera may give them performance anxiety. Bring Viagra just in case.
- There is a reverse pay gap in porn industry earnings. A 60-40 percentage split in her favor is a reasonable place to start your profit negotiations (assuming both parties invest equally – presumably zero at the beginning – in production and marketing).
- Keep in mind that her face and body will be the film’s center of attention. As the star of the film, she can expect a lot more of both the inconveniences and the opportunities from the film than he.
- If you aren’t comfortable with appearing on camera, wear a mask or an eyeshade. Mardi Gras masks can be both sexy and concealing without distracting from the action.
- You can either just set the camera somewhere and forget about it, or film from his and/or her point of view. POV scenes are all the rage.
Walter White would definitely vote for fellow empire-builder Trump.
You know Jesse Pinkman was hardcore Trump, bitch.
Saul Goodman probably voted Trump.
One sociopath to another, Dexter would be a killer Trump voter.
FBI agents & conspiracy theorists Mulder & Scully would have hated Hillary, voted Trump.
As a friend & supporter of the hacking community, I can see how Mr. Trump might have even appealed to Mr. Robot.
Barney Stinson would have been a legendary Trump supporter.
The entire Modern Family would be huge Trump cheerleaders (yes, even Gloria, statistically speaking).
All of the Sopranos would have taken great pleasure in voting for Trump.
Those adorable kids on Stranger Things? -All their fictional parents would have been fictional Trump voters.
The entire Lannister family INCLUDING Tyrion– definitely Trump voters.
Yer darn tootin’ sure all the characters in Fargo voted Trump.
Fellow millionaire Bruce Wayne would definitely vote for the President the US deserves: Donald Trump.
Frank Underwood would’ve voted Hillary.
As the mature & adult thing to do, Seinfield would definitely NOT have voted for Hillary.
Joey, Chandler, Ross, Rachel – all your favorite Friends characters would be big Trump supporters.
Ash & all of the Evil Dead definitely moonlighted as Trump supporters, baby.
No question, Rick Grimes would have voted Trump. For Carl.
Daryl & Carol would have definitely voted Trump. Glenn probably would have voted Hillary (had his head not been split open).
Don Draper would have voted Trump like there was no tomorrow.
Piper Chapman would probably be a Trump supporter.
Oliver Queen would totally have voted Trump. (Hillary failed his city.)
And you KNOW Archer Sterling was one shitsnacking proud idiot Trump voter.
or SexyLittleLaws to Live By
Never trust in bed a woman who asks you to follow her on Instagram and then doesn’t follow you back.
The fruit always looks much bigger on the tree, before you pick it.
If you eat an Oreo in the woods & no one is there to see, it doesn’t count and will not make you fat.
When you say, “Get over yourself!” to someone & then they throw their coffee in your face, it is proof they did not get over themselves.
Angels make the best demons.
The Law of Looking
When you expend too much energy trying to look smart or sexy or cool or sporty, you are left with too little energy to actually be smart or sexy or cool or sporty.
Counterintuitively, looking tends to actually take away from being.
Always get high before going to an all-you-can-eat buffet.
The Law of Dick
If everything a man ever says to a woman means “Want some dick?” then everything a woman ever says to a man means “Can you please offer me some dick!”
Piano players should get jobs in which playing piano is a benefit.
The Law of the Americas
Your Northern neighbors will treat you about as well as you treat your Southern neighbors.
Whether monster or mouse, always be proud of what you are.
How to Get Away with Smoking:
1. Get sick of people criticizing you for smoking cigarettes.
2. Get horribly addicted to meth.
3. Manage to miraculously quit meth.
4. Everyone congratulates you for the rest of your life for only smoking cigarettes.
1. Be a bad influence.
2. Date spoiled rich princesses.
3. Their rich parents offer to pay you to stop dating their precious daughters.
4. Accept money.
How to Look Really Good:
1. Work out every day.
2. Have good genes.
3. It’s not that hard.
Fight Juvenile Delinquency:
1. Catch a minor smoking weed.
2. Steal the weed.
3. Save the minor.
4. Free weed.
1. Get bitten by a werewolf.
2. Become an astronaut.
3. Go to the moon.
4. BOOM – you’re a permanent werewolf.
or Why You Should Just Stay Home and Jerk Off
When making a case for something, there are a lot of ways to compare the options.
Let’s use your computer as an example.
You can compare for price: cheaper is better.
You can compare for graphics: prettier is better.
You can compare for speed: faster is better.
You can compare for energy: more efficient is better.
You can compare for popularity: the more people like it the better.
You can compare for memory: the better memory, the better.
You can compare for danger: safer is better.
Or you can compare for value – performance rated against cost: the lowest cost for the highest performance wins.
It all depends on what you want out of the product – and out of life.
Sex, it could be said, is more or less the same.
or Sex Negative
Heterosexuals bash gays.
Gays bash bisexuals.
Bisexuals bash transsexuals.
Transsexuals bash polys.
Polys bash swingers.
Swingers bash voyeurs.
Voyeurs bash porn.
Porn bashes feminists.
Feminists bash sex workers.
Sex workers bash sadomasochists.
Sadomasochists bash urophiliacs.
Urophiliacs bash coprophiliacs.
Coprophiliacs bash vanillas.
Sex positive means that we’re positive about sex (between consenting adults). Not just our own sex, all kinds of sex in all kinds of forms.
Why can’t we all be less Sex Politics and more Sex Positive?