darker sex acts for girls
or Men Will Shit on Your Chest; Women Will Shit Inside of Your Heart
Some of the sex acts I was sent for last week’s ‘Amy Schumer’s: Sex Acts for Girls‘ article, were quite dark. But this was a different kind of darkness than the simple quasi-humorous, physical objectification found in most of the sex acts for boys on Urban Dictionary. This was a different kind of degradation – a deeper, still quasi-humorous, but more emotionally-scaring kind.
Louis CK once said, “Here’s the difference, to me, between boys and girls: Boys fuck things up; Girls are fucked up. That’s the difference. Boys just do damage to your house that you can measure in dollars, like a hurricane. Girls leave scars in your psyche that you find later, like a genocide or an atrocity…. That’s the difference between boys and girls. And it becomes the difference between men and women, really. A man will steal your car or burn your house down or beat the shit out of you, but a woman will ruin your fucking life. Do you see the difference? A man will cut your arm off and throw it in a river, but he’ll leave you as a human being intact. He won’t fuck with who you are. Women are nonviolent, but they will shit inside of your heart.” (Louis CK: The difference between boys and girls.)
I wanted to keep it light last week, so I only included lighter ones. This week, however…
Darker Sex Acts for Girls
The Brad Pitt
Fuck him hard while thinking about Brad Pitt. Afterward, tell him you were thinking about Brad Pitt. (The advanced version of The Brad Pitt is known as The Dad Pitt, where you tell him you were thinking about his dad.)
The Guantanamo Bay
When you force a man to listen to something that he doesn’t want to hear as a form of torture. In this case, it’s your screaming while you’re fucking his next door neighbor and best friend because he was such an asshole and deserves to be tortured.
The Deb Langley
Get him hard as a rock then leave. On your way out, say, “I’ll be right back.” Don’t be right back.
Point at a guy’s cock, and laugh at how small it is. Or better yet, no laughing – while he undresses, remove a magnifying glass from your bra or purse, or a pair of tweezers.
The Now and Never
Give him the best sex of his life, then don’t return his calls or texts.
The Bachelorette Party
Hook up with a stranger from a bar, bring him home with you, and let him go down on you. Then thank him warmly, remove your engagement ring from your bra, put it back on your finger, and tell him that he has to leave now because any reciprocity would count as cheating on your fiancé.
Tell him that you are crazy for him and want him so badly, until he’s dying for you. Then, get him alone and half-naked, and right before leaving him forever, tell him that you just can’t because you’re in love with his best friend.
Poke holes in the condom ahead of time, and then make him marry you. (Named both for the pattern of holes in the wrapper and the type of wedding you will be having.)
Squirt all over him, covering him in your cum, then let him know, brusquely, that you’ve never found him attractive. Close the door behind you.
The Charlie Sheen
Give him AIDS.
Fake your orgasm every time you fuck him for 8-12 months straight. Finally tell him about it when he’s at a low point in his life.