or God on Sex


Dear Christians,

Ye have heard that it has been said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’

If you’re married, you’ve probably tried very hard to keep from committing adultery, unless you have commitment issues, in which case, what the fuck are you doing married in the first place.

If you’re single or anywhere outside of a strict, orthodox, two-person-and-no-more marriage-marriage you probably don’t know where to draw the line between celibacy and ‘come on, we’re just fooling around a little, no harm done.’

That’s okay. It’s a hard line to draw, what with all those pesky hormones, mischievous organs, and that runaway imagination that Someone slipped inside of you. I understand. That’s why I’ve decided to draw a clear line in the sand for you.

That’s right, you don’t have to worry anymore about tongue or no tongue, skin-to-skin contact, just the tip, or slow dancing. I hereby decree that from this day forth, the line is to be as follows:

Verily, I say unto you that anyone who even just looks at anyone else lustfully has already committed adultery with him or her in his heart.

There it is, the ante distinctly upped for sex out of wedlock. If you like, you can even read it, practically verbatim, in the book of Matthew, chapter five, verse 28, where it is immediately followed by, “If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away,” and, “If your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.”

By the way, those last two things may or may not have been exaggerations.

So the question here is, has your heart ever raced when you looked through a lingerie catalog? Did you watch Magic Mike? Have you ever seen a hot blonde, lifeguard, school girl, or fireman walking down the street? Remember, just classifying them as ‘hot’ merits a good bout of eye surgery, and I’m not talking about LASIK.

It’s called human nature, it comes with the territory of being human, and, no, don’t blame it on your eye. It’s not your eye’s fault. Human nature is something that was given to you. You didn’t cook it up yourself. It comes with the whole package of being a human, which I assume is something you are enjoying being.

What I’m trying to say here is: fuck it. You’re gonna look at people and you’re gonna want them, so you may as well just go for the full house. If the book is going to be thrown at you anyway for an automatic act of your subconscious instinct, well, by all means, don’t stop there. If wanting to eat the cookie is the same as grabbing the cookie and chowing down, you’re only cheating yourself by leaving it in the jar.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying you should go out and rape anyone that catches your eye. Hurting and damaging others is a whole other story that has been aptly covered by whole other people (thank you, verbose consent culture advocates). But, also, don’t take my caricatural line in the sand as something it is not. I drew that line in that place not to get you to impose even more impossible bullshit on yourself but to get you to concentrate less on lines and more on important general concepts, like el amor.

When it comes to principles that are golden in nature, please, by all means, love the shit out of your neighbor.

But when it comes to sex and adultery, honestly, you may as fucking well.