how to complain about your sex life
or The Chat
I don’t like it when sex bloggers complain about their sexual partners. It gives me a weird sinking feeling in my spine.
People have sex blogs for many different reasons, but I think the thing that draws us all together is our degree of comfort with and perhaps freedom about the subject of sex. Some of you are sex workers, some of you are subs, some are married, some have kids, some are masseuses, some are sexologists, some politicians, and some of you are just regular, everyday, normal people. But all of you love to talk about sex.
And that’s exactly why it disappoints me when I see posts like, “The ‘Salesman’ came over last night and he was way too quick about wanting to be inside me. I wish he would just…”
As a sex blogger, you have taken the high sexual ground of being familiar with (and perhaps passionate or knowledgeable about) the art of coupling. Writing about a subject, at the very least, clarifies your own thoughts on that subject to you and helps you to flesh out and come to terms with exactly how you feel about it. It opens yourself up to you.
Putting your thoughts down on pixels can solidify your often nebulous thinking on a subject so that you are very aware of and completely exposed to at least your own opinion about your reality if not the reality itself. For sexual topics, this means that you move past the vague feeling of, ‘I don’t think we connected that well last night,’ to the specifics of, ‘She doesn’t make enough noise,’ or ‘He didn’t let me come enough times.’
Being aware of these very specific things gives you great power! Those of you who are always in touch with exactly what you loved and loathed about each sexual encounter may not realize how frustrating it is for many people to be left awake the night after with nothing but that unpleasant notion that something was wrong. Spiderman would then tell you that you have great responsibility.
I know it’s uncomfortable to have to bring up to your partner that he was too rough with you or that she was too passive. Some people are very talented about being blunt, and their chefs quickly learn how to cook their steaks just right. Other people are more timid, and they can suffer through medium-rare for years when all they wanted was a simple well-done.
What I have found works for me is to every once in a while have The Chat. The Chat starts with The Question. The Question is: ‘Do I do anything in bed that you don’t like?’
The beautiful thing about The Question is how easy it is to pop – and how quickly it leads to The Follow Up where it is your turn to reply. The Chat can do wonders for ironing out the kinks in your sex (or ironing the kinks back in), and The Openness that ensues can turn your mediocre into a match made in Match.com.
As sex bloggers, you owe it to your readers to have great sex.
Many of you do have great sex, or you do with most of your partners. If you do encounter the occasional vinegar among all the wine, don’t feel like you have to tolerate him or discard her. The Chat can turn the sourest grape sweet, and you may find that you weren’t all champagne and chardonnay yourself either.
Sexual compatibility may seem to be all just luck and magic, but luck generally has a lot to do with your openness toward life, and the best magic is usually worked very hard at.
Don’t complain. Chat. 🙂