Hands are the Swiss Army Knives of sex.

Complete with their own fold-out tools and both soft and sharp edges, Hands are known for their utility and brilliant design that is acclaimed worldwide. Hands were first used in sex in the Prehistoric Era by some enterprising caveman who said to himself, “This pudgy, dangling thing down here is just so not multi-functional.”

Hands can be used to perform delicate preliminary tasks such as the removal of outer layers of covering to get to the tender interior. Hands come with ergonomic contours that make them well able to fit snugly into various orifices. The tips of their multiple appendages can be pressed together at an almost infinite number of angles to allow for pressure to be applied in mind boggling combinations.

The tools and appendages featured by Hands are affixed by a mechanism that allows them to either remain rigid and solid or supple and flexible depending on the task to be performed. This ball-and-socket mechanism allows the appendages to trace the subtle curves of any surface with a feather touch or be stiffened into bullheaded ramrods suitable for drilling deep.

Hands come with many implements of varying sizes and lengths designed to be matched to any sized task. These implements may be used separately to narrow their focus in exploratory forays or joined together in pairs or other combinations to completely fill any aperture. Each appendage has as many as two or three separate joints which enable it to bend in a number of directions in order to access hard-to-reach spots.

The sensitive receptors used to control Hands equip their appendages with a wide spectrum of possible movements. These can range from delicate counter-clockwise circles only a fraction of an inch wide to large, sweeping gestures; come-here motions that repeat infinitely to agile pinching actions containing just the right intensity.

Hands and their implements can be used to scrape or press, squeeze or tweak, hold down or lift up, knead or pull, clench or choke or grab.

Single-purpose tools have their time and place, but in a pinch, hands are really all you need. Ask any lesbian.

I’m not saying that they can be used to indefinitely replace any tool in the toolbox. All I’m saying is that if you were ever to be stranded on a deserted island with the clothes on your back and a bikini model, you’d do well to bring your Hands.