10 commandments of courteous casual sex
- #1. If I text you and you don’t text me back for days, you go from ‘Friend’ status to ‘Two People Who Use but Don’t Respect Each Other’ status.
- #2. If you tell me you’re going to do something and then don’t, I reserve the right to tell you I am going to do something and then not do it.
- #3. If we’re gonna hang out, we have to like each other. If we’re just gonna occasionally have sex and go our separate ways, liking each other’s personality is less important.
- #4. If we have plans, me and you, it’s polite to let me know if your plan also involves your friends or your sister or your officemates hanging out with us and for how long.
- #5. If you’re a dick to me once or twice or every once in a while, I understand, we all have tough times. But if you’re a dick to me 4 or 5 times in a row, you’re just a dick.
- #6. I’m not a therapist. I understand sex is not exclusively about orgasm, but imbalance in relationships can be toxic. If I’m always cumming all over the place and you never are, that’s an imbalance that you might come to resent. If you always have an extremely hard time cumming unless you’re by yourself, that’s something you need to work out on your own. I can try to help, but if every time we have sex turns into a therapy session, that’s not fun for either of us.
- #7. I’m not a taxi. I don’t mind picking you up or dropping you off occasionally, but please don’t assume it’s a given that I can always go scoop you up from wherever you are and then drop you wherever you want to be next.
- #8. I don’t mind you fucking my friends or relatives – I can even recommend the ones who I think you’ll like. If me fucking your friends would bother you, let me know. Just keep in mind that if in the future you do something horrible to me, I will be struggling against my vengeful and grieving inner caveman to not take advantage of that knowledge.
- #9. I don’t really like morning sex. (Fill this one in with whatever kind of sex you don’t really like).
- #10. If I always text you first and you never text me first, you run the risk of our communication eventually dwindling down to nothing. If that risk is okay with you, it probably should dwindle, and the faster the better.
- #11. Treat me like a real human person, and I’ll treat you like a real human person.
PS: Most of these are more guidelines than hard and fast rules. Most of them can be overlooked or overruled if there’s a very good reason.