Every single other cave-technology has been heavily upgraded for today’s world.
Marriage and other monogamous relationships are the only thing invented by a caveman that we still do pretty much exactly the same today. But I like to think that most of us are smarter than a caveman.
Monogamy is a technology that we invented as cavemen to serve a purpose – a technology that is now showing its age. It hasn’t aged well.
Whether or not our feelings and needs as humans have evolved since cave-times is not the point. The technology that we use to deal with our feelings and needs has evolved in every single area, with only this one notable exception. Whether or not we make friends or make love differently-than or similarly-to our semi-human ancestors, dealing with those loves and friendships in the same way that they did would be like using an iPhone 1.0 (or a beeper or a telegraph or a homing pigeon) to talk to your buddies when there are now so many options that are objectively better and more “you.”
You don’t have to Tweet or Snapchat if those things are not “you.” You can Skype or text or dial or, really, whatever feels like “you.” But whatever you do, seriously, put away that beeper. You look silly.
Traditional monogamy in today’s world serves the same purpose as a spear. It is something that belongs in museums and private archaeological collections, but you would never take it out hunting, and you would definitely never bring it to the supermarket.
Dear monogamous couples, I see your spear and I raise you a semi-automatic assault rifle with laser sights.
Sports can be dirty. But live commentary by sportscasters can be even dirtier – so much so that sometimes I wonder if these professional ball-followers are intentionally trying to say dirty things on live TV as some kind of an inside joke between them.
Or maybe it’s just me.
Decide for yourself.
As we near the end of a possibly historic season in the NBA, here are some of the filthiest things I have heard sports commentators get away with saying on the air this year.
“Howard tries to put the tip in but he’s swallowed up by his man.”
“Watch Harden take two men in the backcourt.”
“Just a little bit of dribble then penetration by Klay Thompson.”
“The former Magic member driving deep, straight to the hole.”
“Then he gets eaten alive by Anthony Davis from behind.”
“Varejao inside but unable to finish.”
“Irving on the corner gives a hand off for profit.”
“Westbrook, pulling it back, then he gives it to Ibaka who is wide open.”
“Harden tries to get it up quickly.”
“Cantor and Westbrook, tag teaming Howard who likes taking it to the rim.”
“He’s a young player and they’re riding him with his 18 points.”
“John Wall with the reach behind as Varejao was exploding to the hole.”
“Speights was stripped, wanted the body bump but didn’t get it.”
“That’s what you call a wet jumpshot.”
“They’re allowing a little bump and grind, letting them play at both ends.”
“You have to keep a body on him because he has a very soft touch downtown.”
“Crabbe gave that Spalding a spanking!”
…and my personal favorite:
“See, that’s how you play your man perfectly – use a few pumps to get him up, then you go straight into his body.”
Warm credit and sloppy thanks to sportscasters: Jim Barnett, Bob Fitzgerald, Derek Harper, Mark Followill, Mark Jackson, Jeff Van Gundy, Mike Green, Marv Albert, and Chris Webber.
Humans aren’t good at flying.
But we really wanted to fly.
So we invented a machine that would allow us to fly.
Now we can fly anywhere we want to.
Humans aren’t good at remembering stuff.
But we really wanted to remember stuff.
So we invented writing.
Now we can remember everything.
Humans aren’t good at seeing in the dark.
But we really wanted to see in the dark.
So we invented little glowing machines that would allow us to see in the dark.
Now we can see in the dark.
And speaking of things humans aren’t good at…
Humans aren’t good at being monogamous.
But we really want to be monogamous (for some reason).
So instead of jumping off a cliff with big cardboard wings strapped to our arms,
As is our collective instinct when it comes to achieving the improbable,
And which – as billions of unhappily monogamous couples have discovered before us – only causes us to crash land at the rock bottom,
If we’re going to insist on this monogamy nonsense,
We need to make a machine that finally allows us to be truly and happily monogamous.
A monogamy machine.
And with our shiny new monogamy technology, ride marrily off into the codependent sunset.
or Men Oversexualize Women, and That Might Not Be a Bad Thing
The survival of the human race depends on men sexualizing women.
Male sexuality is fragile. It’s more easily distracted and more easily discouraged than you might imagine. It can be worried to death or stressed to death or laughed to death or even just bored to death. And while these same dangers apply to female sexuality, if it happens to men, well, there goes the future of the human race.
The survival of Homo sapiens as a species depends on men and our fragile sexuality for two main things: erections and orgasms. Erections are needed for vaginal penetration (erections being the most fragile part of male sexuality). After an erection is achieved and maintained, orgasms are needed for insemination (her orgasm is nice, his orgasm is crucial).
The survival of Homo sapiens as a species depends on women for just one thing: lying there. Reproductively speaking, women have to literally just lie there and receive. She doesn’t have to be turned on, not even a little bit, and she definitely doesn’t have to climax.
Women sexualize men to a far lesser degree than men sexualize women. Let’s take a look at female sexuality to see how that’s working out for them. According to Elizabeth Lloyd’s comprehensive analysis of 33 studies over 80 years, 75% of women don’t always orgasm during sex; about half the women studied have orgasms about half the time; and about 1/3 rarely or never have an orgasm during intercourse. A further 5%-10% of women have never achieved orgasm at all, ever. And as Lloyd says, “To further complicate matters, there remains a lack of complete agreement on what constitutes female orgasm.”
Fortunately for the human race, reproductively speaking, none of that really matters.
But imagine if men suffered from these problems and, consequently, the conception rate, the birth rate, and the growth rate of the entire human species were all proportionately affected. If Homo sapiens in its puppy stages had had its expansion rate cut by 30% to 70%, we might have never made it out of the Stone Age. Sentient giraffes or caring squid might be the dominant intelligent species on this planet.
Once again, fortunately for all of us, men found a way to make sure they were able to consistently perform sexually by:
- whistling at women who pass by construction sites
- staring at women’s asses
- calling their secretaries ‘Sugartits’
- never leaving a lone woman alone
- always being the one to approach and buy her drinks
- being giant sleazeballs
- and generally acting disgusting and making women uncomfortable by consistently sexualizing them to extreme levels.
It’s a dirty job, but someone had do it.
If you’re thinking, “Yeah, but what about artificial insemination? Women don’t even need men anymore!” I want you to really think about what you’re thinking. Reality is no movie or hard sci-fi novel.
Only recently has science been able to even begin thinking about bypassing the sex act to jumpstart life (although even that still requires a, possibly autosexual, male orgasm). Trying to keep up the human population using only artificial insemination would be an unspeakably mammoth (pun intended), expensive, and completely unfeasible undertaking. In lieu of the sudden death of every male human on the planet, actual sex is still by far the cheaper, more efficient, and more ecologically-friendly option.
So the survival of the human race, even today, still depends on men sexualizing women. For better or worse, it’s the age-old Darwinian saga of the survival of the filthiest.
That’s why he won’t stop staring.
I’m not that kind of person.
You’re not my type.
My best friend likes you.
It wouldn’t be appropriate.
I’m seeing someone.
Bad excuses are meaningless charades that timid people dangle in front of each other like worms on a hook. Bad excuses mean yes more times than they mean no, and when they do mean no, it’s a spineless, erasable kind of no like a bouncer made out of feathers.
When no means no, other words don’t mean no.
I don’t want to.
The only valid reason not to do something that you can, for all other intents and purposes, do, is because you don’t want to. Not wanting to do something is a very good reason not to do it. It’s a cake that doesn’t need any icing. It’s a philharmonic that only sounds worse when you add bells and whistles.
If you need to rely on a bad excuse, you may as well already be naked.
Trump’s Struggle with Feminism vs Fascism
I don’t like Donald Drumpf. I don’t want him for my president. I think he has a fascist, ego-driven side that would dictate the majority of his actions in the Oval Office.
I also think he has a feminist side that struggles against his fascist side. And even though it may not always win, it’s still refreshing when it pops its cute little head out.
On the one hand, he objectifies some women and throws gender-specific insults at women who oppose him. On the other hand, he supports closing the gender pay gap, both with his actions and his words, and he’s the first Republican presidential candidate ever to offer any kind of support for Planned Parenthood and the “millions of women (it has) helped greatly.”
One of the strongest feminist statements Donald Trump has made, however, is often interpreted as a racist generalization.
Yes, I’m talking about when he denounced rape culture in Mexico.
Don’t get me wrong, I love Mexico with all my heart. But I hate rape. And I think it’s about time we faced the fact that there is an ugly and very deeply-entrenched culture of rape and sexual harassment marring this very beautiful country.
And honestly, if anyone else with a little more finesse than Donald Trump had stood up and spoken against the widespread anti-woman sentiments poisoning so much of Latino culture, the rest of the world might have listened.
Here are some examples that will make your skin crawl:
According to a 2011 United Nations study, Mexico was awarded the planet’s gold medal for sexual violence against women. The UN study estimated that almost one out of every two women in Mexico have been victims of some kind of physical sexual aggression ranging from forced sexual contact to all out rape.
Once again, that is: according to the UN, Mexico is #1 in the world concerning sexual violence against women.
Suck it, Iraq.
Mexico’s Ministry of Health estimates that 120,000 rapes are committed per year in Mexico, one every four minutes. Only about 15% of these are ever officially reported, and of those that are reported, only a shocking 5% ever make it to trial.
This means that if you decide to rape a woman in Mexico (which apparently is happening to about half the women here), about nine times out of 10, your life will continue being pretty cool.
If these statistics have left you feeling depressed and angry, here is a fun and alliterative list of some words that should never be put together, to lighten your mood again:
- Harassment Heaven
- Sexual Assault Shangri-La
- Coercion Cloud Nine
- Rape Disneyland
No Never Means No
Sociologist and NYU professor Eric Klinenberg has studied extensively what he terms the Latino “culture of male aggression,” stating that in Hispanic cultures there’s an idea that “no doesn’t mean no. If she’s really not interested, she’ll just ignore you.”
You can try this one out for yourself: repeat the above “no”-negation statement to any of your Mexican friends and, instead of shock and horror about this dangerous anti-woman sentiment, you will be greeted with laughter and hearty agreement. Even the most feminist women I know here have resigned themselves to this as a simple fact of life, and many have even embraced it.
Unfortunately, all of this leads to…
A Culture of Coercion
…in which it is normal and everyday for men to be constantly begging, convincing, and intimidating women into having sex with them. This is so commonplace here that when she tells you no and you say okay and walk away, she will ask you what happened, what’s wrong, don’t you like her.
It’s almost impossible to have any kind of a sex life in Mexico without some form of, “C’mon, baby,” a sprinkling of, “I know you want it,” and a dash of, “Baby, it’s cold outside.”
Minor Gold Mine
This one is as easy as it is heartbreaking, and I could go statistical (boring) or anecdotal (incomplete), because both are aplenty.
The fact is that right now there is a 50-foot tall campaign in front of every IMSS building (Mexican Social Security Institute) that screams in giant letters, “1 out of 2 women who begin their sex life before the age of 15 will get pregnant.”
The fact is that about 99% of all the men I know here will sit around telling jolly stories of that time they banged (raped) a 14-year old.
The fact is that the Mexican National Health and Nutrition Survey Institution (ENSANUT) is alarmed that the percentage of girls who begin having sex between the ages of 12 and 17 years old has risen from 15% in 2006 to 23% in 2012 and is still rising.
The fact is that you if you tell these adult males who are slapping each other’s backs and one-upping each other’s child rape stories that of course you wouldn’t sleep with a 14-year old, not only will you be laughed out of the room, but no one will even believe you because it sounds so unlikely to them.
The sobering fact is that Latin America has the second highest underage pregnancy rate. IN. THE. WORLD.
In case it isn’t clear why I put this section in here (and it wasn’t clear when I ran this topic by a few of my Mexican readers): having sex with a minor, even consensual sex, is rape.
Rape a Lesbian
The other night I happened to glance at my Twitter trending feed and I noticed that the hashtag #ViolaYCuraAUnaLesbiana – Rape A Lesbian To Cure Her – was trending specifically in Mexico. I don’t know where it started or what exactly it was referring to (apart from the self-explanatory obvious), but it continued to trend for about four hours before tapering off.
The next day I referred to this odd and revolting hashtag in the context of, “I bet Donald Trump would be real proud.” I didn’t hear back any type of remorse or surprise or disgust or condemnation from the 20,000+ men who had been laughing on Twitter the night before about raping lesbians. I did, however, hear back that I was a “fucking racist.”
So I guess I’m sort of beginning to understand what Donald Trump was referring to.
Mexico’s Struggle with Racism vs Feminism
I love Mexicans, and I know not all Mexicans or all Mexican demographics are rapists (just mostly the adult male demographic, I’m assuming). But when you have numbers that scream this loud for attention, I feel like they’re just begging for someone to do something.
And it would suck if I had to choose between being a racist and being a feminist.