or The Pen of Good and Evil
One of the things that greatest impacted my writing process as a young lad was a scene from the movie Finding Forrester. Sean Connery, the wise, ancient writer, says to the young, intrepid Rob Brown, “No thinking – that comes later. You must write your first draft with your heart. You rewrite with your head. The first key to writing is… to write, not to think!”
Thank you, IMDB for that direct quote.
So write first with your heart, then with your head. For me that means that my first draft is often a jumble of confusing ideas and disconnected prose that only makes sense to me. Sometimes this draft never even makes it to paper but just wanders around my mind until it gets filtered through my fingers into the keyboard. When it makes its first appearance on screen, it ends up making a lot more sense because it is actually a second draft.
My heart tends to come up with these crazy fun ideas that my head could never fathom as much as it may try to put its mind to it. Sometimes when I’m rewriting with my head, I’m thinking, Jesus, who IS this person that wrote this?!
They’re almost two separate people. Or maybe the process just switches from the right brain to the left brain, but those two brain neighborhoods are complete strangers.
The right brain (heart) comes up with a lot of great stuff – in fact, if you’ve ever read anything that I’ve written and liked it, it’s definitely that guy. The problem is that it also comes up with equal amounts of complete mushy, useless garbage.
Fortunately, the left brain (head) is pretty good at distinguishing the parts that might be decently-put and perhaps-interesting-to-other-people from the parts that should be taken out and shot. If you’ve ever read anything that I’ve written and thought That Sucks, it’s because this guy is still learning how to do his job well.
Sometimes I put him down for a nap and go do or watch something completely mindless for a long, long while while he closes his little eyes and sucks on his little thumb. (Monster vs. Aliens or Machete Kills are great for knocking him right out quickly.) Then when I wake him back up and put him back to work, he tends to be a lot more snobby, finicky, and sharp – which is great for him, in fact, the whole point of why I keep him around.
My point with all this may come out of nowhere, then: If you always speak correctly with perfect verb tense agreements, complete sentences, and no dangling participles, it means you’re speaking with your head and not using enough heart. Those among us who are grammar Nazis use far too much energy to decipher between ‘me’ and ‘I,’ which makes what they say technically spic and span but actually really, really boring.
I would almost say that the more correct grammar, punctuation, and spelling you use in off the cuff remarks, the less insightful, intelligent, and interesting those remarks will end up being. -Also the less ‘you.’Unless, of course, you’ve practiced beforehand, which takes the off-the-cuffness right out and puts them squarely on the cuff.
Think about it.
or 11 Exasperating Ways to “Spice” up Your Sex Life
Role-playing and rim jobs are so ten years ago.
The perfect dare is both sexy and imaginative with a thorny twist that takes it from good, clean fun to a slightly uncomfortable-yet-unforgettable adventure. It’s no fun to dare Phoebe to kiss Sammy once you’re all adults and your crushing days are over. But it might be fun for Phoebe and Sammy to dip their lips in Hershey’s syrup, sprinkles, and mustard and try a Candy-Coated Mustard Kiss of Death by Chocolate.
Here are 11 great annoying-yet-sexy, uncomfortable-yet-unforgettable dares that can turn any small study group of friends into a real party.
1. The Nagging Lapdance
We’ll kick things off with an easy one to get your blood warming. The Nagging Lapdance is just like a regular lapdance except that the dancer must not stop nagging at the dancee. Make them feel terrible about enjoying your moves, and not in a good way. You can talk about the ways in which your ex was a better person than them or just complain about your shitty childhood. Talk about how sick you are of your job, or about how a good guy has character and would never enjoy the objectification of a human being shaking their round ass in his face like this.
2. The Condom Kiss
Condoms are annoying at best when they’re necessary, and they’re absolutely intolerable when used out of context. For the Condom Kiss, either just the recipient of the dare or both participants put a condom on their tongues and make out. All the steamy, French sensuality, and none of the feeling.
3. The Reverse Striptease
For the Reverse Striptease, you will start completely naked and put on clothes in a sensual manner until you’re completely clothed. Go to a different room to undress so you can make your first appearance naked, but be sure to keep your clothes nearby and handy. Also, the thicker the layers you end up with, the better. At the end you will just be fully clothed and sensually putting on a coat.
4. The Phone Erotic Massage
In this dare, you get an erotic massage! Unfortunately though, you have to maintain polite phone conversation the entire time with a relative or platonic friend or coworker. Calling your boss or your dad is a great way to keep it edgy but is only for dare experts. The masseuse should start off slowly but may end up doing anything erotic they like to you, and you are not allowed to stop them until you finally give in and hang up.
5. The Popsicle Dildo
Self-explanatory. It’s wet, but it’s cold. How much can you take?
6. Broken Penis Telephone
This dare requires two woman and one willing man. One woman places her lips over the tip of the man’s penis, and the other places her ear to the shaft. The first woman speaks into the mouthful of penis, and the second one tries to decipher and relay what she says. (A variation of what has also been known, in the more racist past, as Chinese Telephone or Chinese Whispers.)
7. Silent Cunnilingus
This dare should preferably be performed on a woman who finds it hard to be quiet in bed. Perform regular, mind-blowing cunnilingus on the recipient, who must keep completely silent. If even the tiniest sound comes out of her throat, the tongue lashing will stop.
8. The Dirty-Talking Mouse
This can be performed by either a man or a woman who is well-versed in talking dirty. Perform the sex act of your choice to your partner while talking dirty to them in a mouse voice, cartoon voice, or other least-sexual vocal impression of your choice. It’s over when your partner laughs.
9. The Full Bladder 69
One of the most annoying dares on the list, the Full Bladder 69 is mutual oral sex performed with full bladders. Fill up beforehand by chugging a few beers or a bottle of water. When you are both ready to burst, assume the 69 position, and give your partner the experience of his and her life. The first one who can stand it no longer and rushes off to the bathroom, loses.
10. Horsey Style
Performed by a man to a receiving woman, horsey style is like doggy style, but grab her hair like reins in mid-coitus and turn her to the right or left, tell her to giddy up or to whoa, slow down.
11. The Jalapeño Blowjob
Only for annoying-yet-sexual daremasters, the Jalapeño Blowjob involves a chili pepper and oral sex and is exactly what it sounds like. BE SURE TO WASH OUT BOTH YOUR MOUTH AND MEMBER AFTER PERFORMING THIS DARE AND BEFORE PERFORMING ANYTHING ELSE.
or The What, Why, Who, and How of Real Conservation
We’ve all heard about making sacrifices for our children, but what if the most important sacrifice of all was our children.
It has been said that the most needed truths of any era will always sound like heresy. It has also been said that truth is by nature self-evident. I think you will find this one to be both.
1. We are using Earth’s resources faster than they can be naturally replenished.
2. We must reduce our carbon footprint, emissions, and water use to ensure our planet remains hospitable to us.
3. As human population increases, resource consumption also skyrockets and standard of living deteriorates. Overpopulation is a serious threat to the quality of human life.
4. The best way to reduce your own footprint is to reduce all the tiny footprints that come after you.
What Is The Conversation about Conservation?
We’ve all been told to turn off the lights, take shorter showers, use electric cars, live a life of not too much. We know that producing one kilo of meat requires between 5,000 and 20,000 liters of water. We know that proven oil and natural gas resources are projected to run out by 2072. We’ve heard that average global temperatures are expected to increase by 2°F to 11.5°F by 2100, causing glaciers to melt and sea levels to rise.
Why Has This Become a Runaway Problem?
This is only happening because there are too many human beings. Our excessive population rates outweigh nature’s ability to renew resources. If there were only a few million or even billion of us, logging, mining, leaving the lights on, and using central heating when it’s cold wouldn’t be much of a problem.
Who Is Responsible for This?
That’s what you’ve heard anyway. Your parents and grandparents didn’t mess up the world as much as you are.
By extension then, our kids will mess up the world much more than we ever did.
Even if they are environmentally-responsible kids, just the fact that there will be so much more of them than there are of us will put a huge conservational burden on their backs and by extension, on your by-then-long-deceased back. You’re not only responsible for the resources you use but also the resources your kids and their kids use. If you have two kids and they each have two kids, in only four generations, your personal carbon footprint will be multiplied 20 times over because of all your offspring’s excesses. And the worse part will be that It’s. All. Your. Fault.
How Can You Stop This?
The good news is that you can stop this oil-guzzling Hitler before he even begins, and you don’t even need a time machine. You can cut down your carbon/water/emissions footprint by an almost immeasurably huge margin by just not having kids.
It’s the environmentally-responsible choice.
Perhaps in a future era, the balances will change, and it will once again be the responsible thing to replenish humankind. But right now, because of the cumulative bad choices of most of mankind, choosing to not have (or to not have many) children is the right thing to do.
It’s also the fun choice. Sometimes the best choices are not the most difficult ones. If you must, think about it this way: If you know that the vicious wasting cycle will end with you, you can use way more resources because you’ll never get even close to the amount of stuff people with kids end up using.
Having Children Is Selfish.
There are plenty of kids. Humanity is no longer in desperate need to propagate. We’ve won. Humans are on top.
You’ve probably heard of the pet rescue trend. Perhaps you’re even a proponent of it yourself. -How due to overcrowded shelters and irresponsible owners, it’s now considered selfish to buy an animal. “Rescued is my favorite breed,” she says, hypocritically, as her five biological children chime in behind her.
If you want to have children to share your life with, adopt. There are plenty of kids out there that need a loving parent like you. The only reason to have biological offspring of your own is the selfish, genetically-racist desire to create something in your own image, to spread your own genes and your own last name. Is it really worth it to help push the planet along to its doom just for either a fancy car, central heating, or one more Johnson?
“Under current conditions in the U.S., for instance, each child ultimately adds about 9,441 metric tons of carbon dioxide to the carbon legacy of an average parent – about 5.7 times the lifetime emissions for which, on average, a person is responsible.”
“Roughly half of all nations have quadrupled their populations since 1950. Population growth since 1950 is behind the clearing of 80 percent of rainforests, the loss of tens of thousands of plant and wildlife species, an increase in greenhouse gas emissions of some 400 percent and the development or commercialization of as much as half of the Earth’s surface land.”
“The actual annual (to repeat that: per year) growth in the number of humans has ranged from 88.0 million in 1989 to 73.9 million in 2003, after which it rose again to 75.2 million in 2006. In 2009, the human population increased by 74.6 million, which is projected to fall steadily to about 41 million per annum in 2050, at which time the population will have increased to about 9.2 billion (total).”
“It is impossible to determine an average number of descendants for one person,” but if you have four children and you assume that each generation of yours will have 4 children, after 9 generations you will end up with 262,144 descendants. Just from you (and your wife).
-If you have no babies, you may wonder why you would even care about the future. If this is your issue, you may or may not be a sociopath. But if the straitjacket fits, this post is not for you. It would be an extreme of selfishness to not care about the future of the entire human race just because you will have no direct descendants in it.
-If you remain childless, who will take care of you when you are old? Although this is a much more mentally well-rounded issue to have, it is still not very well thought out. -Take all the money you would have spent on your kids (an estimated $169,080 to $389,670 from birth through age 17), and save it toward your retirement. You will live like a king.
Click here and here for some more in-depth information on this controversial topic.
or Goldilocks and the Three Bares
Foreplay is obsolete.
In the traditional sense anyway.
Foreplay used to mean the little things, the kissing and sliding and touching, that a man and a woman did before beginning the main event of their penile-vaginal intercourse. Now, however, young, heterosexual, white, able-bodied, and conventionally-attractive partnerings who thought they were the mainstream have discovered that, 1: gay and lesbian couples cannot have penile-vaginal intercourse, 2: 75% of women cannot climax from penile-vaginal intercourse and, 3: penile-vaginal intercourse is the riskiest form of sex. The traditional definition of sex as intercourse has been revealed to be a chauvinist fabrication and, as such, has had to be abandoned.
But now that sex can mean anything, foreplay no longer means anything.
Or does it?
I have recently read a number of calls from sex columnists to discard the word foreplay in support of a broader definition of sex where everything counts. And while I agree, in theory, that ‘proper’ sex can count as so many more things, I still think there is a place for foreplay.
Masters and Johnson’s Human Sexual Response Cycle model, referenced in the pictograph at the top of this post, refers to four basic phases of human sexuality – the excitement (or arousal) phase, plateau phase, orgasmic phase, and resolution phase. What if foreplay, instead of being a specific set of acts, instead was defined as any act that is performed with the intention to excite?
Instead of foreplay meaning anything else that you do besides intercourse, we could instead understand it to mean anything that you or your partner do to begin the initial arousal. When you’re in the excitement phase, turning each other on with your fingertips and tongues, or even erotic words, videos, and texts, that is foreplay. When you move on to the plateau phase, where both of you are already ‘on’ and just enjoying it, no matter what specific thing you are doing, that is sex.
With this in mind, I have discovered something that is true for me, but may not necessarily be true for everyone else.
The amount/quality of the foreplay dictates the level of arousal for the entire sexual experience.
And much like Goldilocks and her bear variations, this can go three ways.
Too little foreplay, and you may find yourself struggling with a low level of arousal throughout the entire sexual experience. It may still turn out to be wonderful and satisfying, but like cold soup that may at least nourish your body, it might be better just a little more warmed up.
Too much foreplay, and you may struggle with a level of arousal that is too high. Again, you may still have great sex, but you may have to pause often to cool off. (Because many women may have no or a very short post-orgasmic refractory period, this may not be a problem for them. There may be no large bear in the feminist version of this fairytale.) But for a man, there is such a thing as the soup getting too warm. And if it gets too warm during the foreplay at the beginning, it may stay too warm throughout the entire experience.
Of course, just the right amount of foreplay makes for a beautifully well-rounded adventure, after which you can both fall contentedly asleep in the baby bear’s bed. Okay, that’s a lot of metaphor stretching, but the point is made.
As a man, it is my responsibility to communicate when I’ve had too little foreplay or when it’s beginning to be too much.
To me, foreplay is intention. When she is intending to excite me, when that’s the point of whatever act happens to be taking place, I usually do get excited. Then when we settle into just enjoying for a while all the excitement we’ve built up, that turns into sex, whatever act we happen to be performing, and the excitement turns into an extended, plateaued high. Then we go back to turning up the excitement, but this time the intention is resolution, and that turns into orgasm.
Intention is hot. Sometimes it gets too hot, and on the other hand, sometimes we settle into enjoying the heat before there is enough heat to enjoy. But just the right amount of intention at just the right times makes fireworks (and memories).