or Bed of the Dead
No, not an actual reanimated corpse.
A Zombie is someone who mostly just lays there during sex and expects you to do all the heavy lifting.
A consenting Zombie.
Zombies may rise from their grave to twitch or spasm from time to time, and they may even make faint, postmortem moaning sounds with their mouths. Don’t let these slight aberrations fool you. A Zombie is a Zombie and must be fucked in a certain way.
Despite the age of sexual enlightenment in which we are supposedly currently steeped, there are still a surprising amount of Zombies roaming our streets, nightclubs, hookup apps, and bedrooms. Here is how to successfully fuck a Zombie should you ever encounter one.
Unless you’re into the whole Zombie thing, it’s up to you to turn yourself on. This usually requires either objectification or imagination.
If you are the kind of person who can focus on a certain attribute or body part (Look at these big titties!) rather than feeding off the sexual energy between you (or starving off the lack of it), you shouldn’t have a problem. If you are not that kind of person, you may have to use your imagination.
Picture a recent sexual encounter or a favorite sexual fantasy – anything to keep your mind (and body) in the game. One of the saddest things you can picture is an idealized version of your partner – how beautiful and sensual she or he would be if they would actually move around. Tragic though it may be, it’s worth it if it works to give both of you a more satisfying sexual experience.
Again, if you are into the whole control thing, this shouldn’t be a problem for you.
If not, get into it.
If you don’t take control, you will be tediously rocking back and forth in the same gently-stacked position for the entire disappointing duration. The Zombie Problem is one of the reasons married couples usually just end up falling into the lackluster sex patterns they are known for (Married Sex Syndrome).
If you can learn to take control and enjoy it, the Zombie Problem will practically solve itself. In fact, if you enjoy being in control, a Zombie could be a perfect match for you. There’s nothing worse than two live people who are simultaneously trying to take control, but that’s a problem for a different post.
Where Imagination is what will make your Zombie Experience exciting and Control is what will make it satisfying, Creativity is what will make it fun.
Since your Zombie, by definition, is trusting in you to make all the moves, feel free to go a little wild. Conventional Sex is for Conventional Partners; Zombies are for having fun.
And no, this isn’t permission to push the boundaries beyond what your Zombie is comfortable with – make sure your Zombie knows they are free to pass on anything at any time. Creativity is not coercion; Creativity is consensual initiative.
If you’re not the spontaneous type, give a bit of thought beforehand to things you would like to try out with your Zombie. You can make brief mental notes to refer to during your Zombie Apocalypse in case you find yourself drawing a blank in the moment (like: Mirror or Blindfold or Chair).
Zombies have needs too. As the leader, it’s your job to be sensitive to your Zombie’s needs.
If your sexual partner is bad at articulating (physically or verbally) what they like, it’s up to you to figure it out. Try different degrees on different spectrums: Slow to Fast, Light to Heavy, Shallow to Deep, Perpendicular to Circular, Whisper to Scream, Wet to Extremely Wet. Try to tune your frequency finely to theirs so that you can pick up the faint signals they may be sending out.
Night of the Living Dead
There are varying degrees of Zombie. A perfectly live human may have Zombie Lips or Zombie Hips. Zombies rarely know that they are Zombies, which is why communication is so important. If you think you may be a Zombie, or you wish your partner were less of one, pick their brains on the subject a bit and try to get their perspective.
There are different degrees of physical activity and sexual energy in every sexual encounter, and unless both of you are on the exact same page, every encounter may have one body that is undeader than the other. You may be fucking a Zombie today, but you may be one tomorrow. So have some empathy and try to give your Zombie a good time.
or SexyLittleLaws to Live By
Never trust in bed a woman who asks you to follow her on Instagram and then doesn’t follow you back.
The fruit always looks much bigger on the tree, before you pick it.
If you eat an Oreo in the woods & no one is there to see, it doesn’t count and will not make you fat.
When you say, “Get over yourself!” to someone & then they throw their coffee in your face, it is proof they did not get over themselves.
Angels make the best demons.
The Law of Looking
When you expend too much energy trying to look smart or sexy or cool or sporty, you are left with too little energy to actually be smart or sexy or cool or sporty.
Counterintuitively, looking tends to actually take away from being.
Always get high before going to an all-you-can-eat buffet.
The Law of Dick
If everything a man ever says to a woman means “Want some dick?” then everything a woman ever says to a man means “Can you please offer me some dick!”
Piano players should get jobs in which playing piano is a benefit.
The Law of the Americas
Your Northern neighbors will treat you about as well as you treat your Southern neighbors.
Whether monster or mouse, always be proud of what you are.
How to Get Away with Smoking:
1. Get sick of people criticizing you for smoking cigarettes.
2. Get horribly addicted to meth.
3. Manage to miraculously quit meth.
4. Everyone congratulates you for the rest of your life for only smoking cigarettes.
1. Be a bad influence.
2. Date spoiled rich princesses.
3. Their rich parents offer to pay you to stop dating their precious daughters.
4. Accept money.
How to Look Really Good:
1. Work out every day.
2. Have good genes.
3. It’s not that hard.
Fight Juvenile Delinquency:
1. Catch a minor smoking weed.
2. Steal the weed.
3. Save the minor.
4. Free weed.
1. Get bitten by a werewolf.
2. Become an astronaut.
3. Go to the moon.
4. BOOM – you’re a permanent werewolf.
or Why You Should Just Stay Home and Jerk Off
When making a case for something, there are a lot of ways to compare the options.
Let’s use your computer as an example.
You can compare for price: cheaper is better.
You can compare for graphics: prettier is better.
You can compare for speed: faster is better.
You can compare for energy: more efficient is better.
You can compare for popularity: the more people like it the better.
You can compare for memory: the better memory, the better.
You can compare for danger: safer is better.
Or you can compare for value – performance rated against cost: the lowest cost for the highest performance wins.
It all depends on what you want out of the product – and out of life.
Sex, it could be said, is more or less the same.
or Sex Negative
Heterosexuals bash gays.
Gays bash bisexuals.
Bisexuals bash transsexuals.
Transsexuals bash polys.
Polys bash swingers.
Swingers bash voyeurs.
Voyeurs bash porn.
Porn bashes feminists.
Feminists bash sex workers.
Sex workers bash sadomasochists.
Sadomasochists bash urophiliacs.
Urophiliacs bash coprophiliacs.
Coprophiliacs bash vanillas.
Sex positive means that we’re positive about sex (between consenting adults). Not just our own sex, all kinds of sex in all kinds of forms.
Why can’t we all be less Sex Politics and more Sex Positive?
(This week I didn’t write a SexyLittleIdeas article because I was finishing my thesis for the Music Business course I’m taking from Vanderbilt University. This is what I came up with, in case you’re interested.)
If we tie music or anything at all in life, inextricably to money, in terms of worth, it changes the essence of that thing.
This is not necessarily a bad thing, and I’m not here to solve all the problems of capitalism in one essay. But when I think of the worth of music, in terms of monetary value, my relationship with music becomes less like a love affair and more like a rich guy wondering if he has any true friends.
Adding money to anything removes some of its truth.
Money + sex = prostitution.
Money + love = gold digging.
Money + happiness = misery.
Money + family = evil stepmother.
If we want to think about music as something that belongs in the same commodity-driven sentences as: cars, mining, petroleum, lead, cotton – then we should think about its worth primarily in terms of money. But if we want to continue to think about music as something that belongs in the same sentences as: joy, love, creativity, family, friendship, happiness – then we need to define its worth differently.