Of the Unbearably Long Joke
So last week we realized (ha ha) that life is long and becomes tiresome.
Life is a tangled popcorn string that goes on for miles, and the happy man’s only solution/recourse is to waste it on happy little things.
Don’t spend your time under an assumption of scarcity, hoarding it like a college kid’s coins. Spend it like the tower of breadcrumbs that it is. Toss it to whichever featherbrained sparrow crosses your flight of fancy; scatter it to the wind or let the pavement take it; spend it like Netflix spends its TV shows.
(Life is better binge-watched. -Not nibbled at like an HBO series, but gulped down entire seasons at a time.)
You will live an average of over 2.5 billion seconds.
There’s a hella lot of them.
In the end, working your ass off to make money, working your ass off to create a legacy, working your ass off to improve yourself or just sleeping, reading, or staring at a screen will all get you to the same place, one breadcrumb at a time. And that place is: bored and full of regrets on your deathbed about not having done the opposite of what you did.
If this sounds to you like it’s coming from a place of pessimism, look closer. Fatalism is actually at the root of the most indomitable types of optimism. (The kind that sings about the sun always shining behind the clouds. It’s always going to be there, so it doesn’t really matter if it’s raining or pouring or night or nothing.)
Life is more beautiful when you take the pressure out of the equation.
Because the best kinds of beauty are never immortal…
With No Punchline
When you think about it, life is extremely,
For the intents and purposes of this thought, there are two types of people- the satisfied and the unsatisfied.
If you’re a malcontent, brimming with ambition, always pushing to go further, and never satisfied about your lot in life or your rung on its ladder, life may seem short to you. There’s never enough time to do all the hurrying you want to do, to shoot for all the stars you have it in for.
The malcontent’s legacy is stuck in a perennial race against his/her timeline, a mad dash to immortality one way or the other, and when you think about life in that way, there’s never enough time. Yes, life is too short to become immortal.
If, however, you’re a happy man, thrilled with what the universe has laid in your lap, content to just sit back with a beer and watch the tide roll in, and satisfied with the bounty of beauty that it washes up at your feet, life can seem a bit too perpetual.
For me, the best pleasures are ones that don’t overstay their welcome. They pop into your window, brighten your livingroom, wrinkle all the covers, and then leave you with a smile still ringing between your ears.
A two-minute song. A 1:15 movie. A wave.
A friend’s child. A meal that isn’t supersized. A one-liner.
Life, on the other hand, is like the guest who just won’t leave.
She made you laugh at first with her irreverent antics, and his carelessness was kinda cute I guess the first few times he left his dishes in your sink and his clothes on your floor. But then she took all your blankets one time too many and he puked all over your car seat again, and you began to want just one night to yourself and just one day without driving him around. You kind of began to wish he and she would just leave you alone for a bit.
I don’t want to ever write her off entirely though. To me, the ideal existence would be a period of life, and then a period of not-life (whatever that might be), followed by another period of life then not-life, and so on.
I would rush into life with an unparalleled exuberance and then sink happily into not-life, and then burst into life with vigor and then lay exhausted and cloyed and grateful into not-life. And then leap up and bearhug life and hold it close and then let go and drift contentedly and relieved into not-life. And then back again.
or A Sex Positive Bible
I think some people were born monogamists, and some were born monogamish, and some were born polyamorous, and some were born gay, and some were born bi, and some were born religious, and this is all normal and okay as long as consent and respect is involved.
I think pickup artists, prostitutes, feminists, and Christians alike all have their reasons for what they do, and I respect that.
I think it’s possible to be an honest, respectful, sex positive (Christian, prostitute, pickup artist, feminist).
It’s only when we try to use our gene-mashup to take consent out of the equation (kids, animals, coercion, force) that we have to draw a line.
I think that being sex positive means being positive about sex and about all the bright and scandalous colors in the sex positive community spectrum.
If a monogamist is positive about sex while adhering to his moral principles and not raping… his wife… then I can respect that. If a pickup artist is positive about sex while being the best version of himself and not lying or coercing, I can respect that. If a feminist is positive about sex while believing firmly that men are dogs or bicycles, but not stooping to violence against the male gender, I can respect that. If a Christian is positive about sex while staunchly going to church and respecting alternative lifestyles, I can respect that. If a gay or bisexual man is positive about sex while sucking that cock and not creeping on straight guys, I can respect that.
We’re all a proud dynasty of sex positivity, and we’re beautiful, and I love it.
If we start bickering among ourselves we take a little bit of the positive out of the sex. And we step a little closer to being intolerant (like ‘them’).
If you are sex positive in any way and you are offended by something you read here, don’t be. It’s (abundantly) clear from the context of this site the respect and support I have for (women, swingers, men, sex workers, families, religion, kink, LGBTQIA). And for YOU.
or The Sexual She-Beast vs. the Average Male
or Are Men Just Nastier Than Women?
I want answers.
The modern woman insists that she is a sexual beast. She insists that, contrary to what man has believed for so long, her sexuality and hunger rivals that of the male. That if only you knew the filthy, salacious things going through her mind, which she represses due to the role in which society tries to pigeonhole her, you would be shocked to find that she matches you in raw sexuality pound for pound.
She is, in other words, just as nasty as any man.
I want to believe that’s true.
I, however, am way too familiar with male sexuality.
While women’s fantasies may be wild, strange creatures (as reading any Nancy Friday book will tell you), men’s fantasies seem to have an element of nasty in them that, in a fair fight, would kick women’s fantasies in the crotch and hold her face in the mud. An inter-gender skirmish in the nasty arena would seem to be somewhat of a mismatch.
He is, in other words, the king of nasty. Or at least he seems to be.
Maybe men’s sexuality is really just nastier than women’s. Or maybe I’m looking at it all wrong and there are reasonable explanations that have nothing to do with inherent, gender-specific sexual tastes. I’ve compiled a list of men’s nastiest fantasies – the kind that few women would touch with a ten-foot pole (or at least admit to touching). I’ve tried to put them into some categories involving possible ‘non-nasty’ explanations, but there are a still a few that I can’t explain beyond saying that men are just nastier than women. That’s where I need your help.
I am not a PUA or a feminist, I’m just a human person, a student of sexuality, politically incorrect, searching for truths about people and their sex. If you don’t like something here, tell me, and tell me why. Or if you can explain something better than my clumsy attempts, I will love you for it.
Here is my list of fantasies that men have and women decidedly don’t.
Gloryholes – Where he finds a magical hole in a public bathroom or other foreign place, inserts his cock, and something on the other side sucks the life out of it.
This one seems to be anatomical: we have a sexual organ that we can insert into a hole. Still, with the right kind of hole or covering, a woman could presumably be penetrated, licked, or stimulated by something she couldn’t see. Are there no gloryholes for women because it would be awkward and clumsy, or because the thought of being stimulated by an unknown thing doesn’t turn her on? Is this fantasy the sole property of man-kind due to purely anatomical reasons, or is it because it’s just nasty?
Dildos – Where he watches her get herself off with phallic objects that may include monstrous sex toys, shower heads, fruits and vegetables, tiny vibrators, or other unrelated technology.
Although this one could be anatomical (we can picture inserting ourselves into her in the dildo’s stead), a reverse fantasy IS anatomically possible. Why aren’t more women turned on by the thought of men inserting themselves into things (fleshlights, couch cushions, pies)?
Gagging – Where she stuffs his cock down her throat and gags on it, the fantasy being the act of gagging itself.
Anatomically speaking, we do have an organ we can stuff down her throat. But there are ways women could cause us oral discomfort with their sexual organs too. We could suffocate on her pussy or choke on her breasts. Is gagging a man’s fantasy because it’s just so nasty?
Cumming All over Something – Where he ejaculates on a certain place, her face, boobs, ass, stomach, in her mouth, or even in a cup and she drinks it.
Yes, we are the gender that generally expels bodily fluids during sex. But many women also ejaculate, and do they fantasize about squirting all over a certain place on a man’s body? How come there is so little talk about squirting on his biceps or his chest and so few female fantasies involving, “Honey, get down on your knees, I’m about to cum and I wanna squirt all over your face”? How come we so rarely hear, “I’m so wet right now, and I want you to put your face down in there and drink it”? Too nasty?
TRADITIONAL, CULTURALLY-INDUCED POWER ROLES
Slapping – Where he is turned on by slapping her ass, her face, her boobs, slapping his cock on her, or one woman slapping another woman’s body.
This one seems to be due to men’s centuries of immersion in patriarchal societies, with slapping representing his power over her. As women begin to take the power back, will we see more women sexually fantasize about slapping at his chest, slapping her boobs on his face, or about one man slapping another man’s ass? Or is this one just too nasty?
Teens – Where is she barely of age.
Although this one could be a fantasy that emphasizes men’s power over women, I’m not sure that fucking barely-legal teenage girls is strictly a power fantasy. Do powerful or power-hungry women fantasize about having that barely-18-year old cock? Or is this just another nasty thing that men do and women rarely do?
Politically-Incorrect Dirty Talk – Where he calls her derogatory things like a dirty little whore or a filthy slut or his bitch.
Maybe there just aren’t male-appropriate sexually-derogatory terms. Or maybe it’s just another nasty, male-only fantasy.
Bukkake – Where a group of men stand over a woman and cover her with their cum.
The monarch of nasty fantasies, there is a definite power angle to bukkake fantasies, and it can also be explained by anatomical reasons. Is there a woman alive who fantasizes about getting together with a group of women, subduing a man, and then standing in a circle around him and masturbating?
INTRINSIC BEAUTY OF THE FEMALE BODY
Is a woman’s body just intrinsically, objectively more beautiful than a man’s, and does that (indisputable, self-evident?) fact explain away a lot of nasty things that we want to do to them and they don’t want to do to us? Do we want to cum on them because they’re so beautiful and they don’t specifically want to cum on us because we are intrinsically less so? Do we want to slap them and objectify them because their curves are so beautiful and they don’t objectify us because our lines are not?
Panties – Where he fantasizes about her panties, smelling them, leaving them on during the sex act, keeping them afterward.
As beautiful extensions of a woman’s beautiful body, her panties and the fantasies involving them make prime candidates in the argument for the aesthetic attractiveness of the female form. Do women not fantasize about smelling/keeping our boxers/briefs because our bodies, and thus by extension our lingerie, are less universally aesthetically pleasing? Or is it just because men are so nasty and women aren’t as much?
Hentai – Where a cartoon depicts sexually-explicit acts.
Maybe it’s because her body is so universally attractive that she is sexually arousing even in cartoon form. Do women not fantasize about being ravished by cartoon men because even the best male forms are less intrinsically beautiful? Or is cartoon pussy just another example of men’s intrinsic sexual nastiness?
Shemales – Where he fantasizes about a beautiful woman with curves and boobs… and a dick.
I imagine that the female form is so beautiful that even if you love cock, it is possible to still want it served on a woman’s body. Is this the reason that he-women are not a thing, and that you don’t see women fantasizing about strong, muscular men… with vaginas? Or are chicks with dicks just another example of men of any sexual orientation being straight-up nasty?
Here are the man-fantasies that I could find no reasonable alternate explanation for other than sheer nastiness.
Feet – Where he licks her feet or she cups her feet around his cock and jerks it off.
Out of all the women I interviewed for this article, very few of them were turned on by any of the above fantasies. Only one or two of them thought they could possibly be aroused by a woman’s equivalent of a gloryhole, a man with a fleshlight, a man suffocating on her pussy or drinking her, by slapping a man or keeping his boxers, by a barely-legal or virgin man, or by a shemale (and these things had never occurred to them before as viable fantasies).
Not a single woman I talked to could ever fathom the thought of fantasizing about putting a man’s toes into her pussy or getting off with a man’s feet.
Feet fetishes seem to be strictly male fare, even though it is anatomically possible for both sexes, it doesn’t seem to be power-related, and let’s face it, feet are not universally considered to be intrinsically beautiful. Is this definitive proof of male superiority in the sexual nastiness arena? What else could possibly explain this nasty, nasty fetish?
Sloppy Sex – Where the juices flow freely, usually referring to blowjobs.
If you’re a woman thinking, “But I like wet cunnilingus,” in a man’s mind, this fantasy involves strings of saliva like spaghetti, gushing liquid all over her face and his cock, and a massive juicy mess. Do men like their sex sloppier because they’re nastier? Or do women also like it with buckets and buckets of spit?
Compilations – Where we watch videos of compilations of various sexual acts performed by various individuals in rapid succession, usually referring to male cumshots or female orgasms (cumpilations).
Men are more visual, and men generally prefer multiple sexual partners, and men are more goal-oriented. Are those the reasons why we don’t see women porning out on compilations of men licking women or masturbating or orgasming? Or is it because it’s actually kind of nasty?
Mother/Daughter – Where he has the milf and her daughter at the same time or in succession, possibly with the mother teaching her daughter.
A woman could presumably have a father and his son at the same time, or attractive twin guys, or just brothers together, but very few (possibly none?) do. The relative fantasy seems to be relatively male territory. Just nasty? Or can you think of a different reason?
or Sex Worker Etiquette
These tips were taken from interviews with some friends who are also sex workers. Some of the points may overlap slightly, but all of them are worth mentioning.
Don’t Act Dangerous
Her biggest fear is that you’re dangerous. Maybe you aren’t, in fact, you probably aren’t, but she doesn’t know that. Anything you can do to allay that fear will make her work environment, and thus your experience, more pleasant.
Don’t try to impress her with your gun or your strength or your forcefulness. In fact, trying to impress her at all is unnecessary – she’s already a sure thing. You can feel free to be your normal nice self with this girl. Any stunt you pull will probably not impress her and may scare her.
Along those same lines…
Don’t Show up Drunk or High
Especially if you’re new at this, you may need a little something to calm your nerves. But I don’t need to tell you that there’s a big difference between taking the edge off and falling off the edge. I will tell you though, that that difference might be between an experience that is relaxed, easy, and fun for both of you and one that is excruciating and ugly for her and at best forgettable for you.
In the same dangerous vein…
Don’t Change the Plan
There’s a reason you agree ahead of time on where, when, and what. Don’t change things up if you don’t absolutely have to. If you agreed to meet in a hotel, don’t then try to convince her to get in your car and be taken to an abandoned farmhouse even if that is part of your fantasy. It doesn’t matter if you have the best intentions, changing the plan will mean an unsettling period of anguish and uncertainty for her that is just not worth it for either of you.
And speaking of changing things…
Don’t Try Sexual Things You Haven’t Agreed On
There are plenty of fetish sex workers who specialize in all kinds of awesome sexual experiences, but don’t try anything out of the ordinary sexually if you haven’t discussed it with her. She’s just a girl who you are paying for a sexual experience. That doesn’t mean that she will be down with anything you want to try. Don’t try to slip it in her ass or pee on her if you haven’t made it clear ahead of time that that’s what you want to do.
So where should you draw the line, and what is considered out of the ordinary? Talking about sexual dos, don’ts, and specific acts may still be awkward for you, but it probably won’t be for her. Asking her beforehand what her rules are is a good way to get the conversation started.
While we’re on the subject of her rules…
Don’t Do Anything to Put Her Identity in Jeopardy
Although more sex workers come out of the closet every day, for many, due to family, business, or other personal reasons, it is still their number one priority to remain anonymous. Respect that. It’s probably high on your list of priorities as well.
Don’t try to find out her real name, just call her Cinnamon. Don’t try to get her home phone, address, Facebook, or other details of her personal life. If she has boundaries, and she probably does, they are to protect both of you.
And talking about her identity…
Don’t Take Photos
Some sex workers are fine with their clients taking naughty photos and even videos, but to many, many more it is anathema. If having the video to take home with you is a dealbreaker, find a sex worker who is comfortable with that and pay the extra fee. Don’t try to sneak photos of her or bully her into letting you film. Not only will that take the joy out of your session, it may haunt her for years afterward.
Now moving on to an entirely different subject…
Use the Condom Properly
If dangerous men and identity issues are her top two worries, condom problems are a close third. Just as with the other two issues, the fact that you are paying her doesn’t give you the right to do whatever you want. The condom is for both of your protection, and it is in your interest as well as hers that you use one and properly.
And a final tip…
Don’t Try to Go over Time
She has a life, just like you do, so let her get back to it.
According to one sex worker, “An ideal date goes like this: you get to the hotel, they pay you, you drink a little, talk a little, it’s so interesting that you don’t even fuck, and after your time is up you leave.” Alright so maybe you do fuck, but you fuck respectfully and sensually.
If you can 1) avoid being dangerous, 2) keep her identity safe, and 3) use a condom properly, you will win Client of the Month awards with sex workers all around the world.
Hot guys don’t treat hot girls1 bad.
He just treats her how normal people treat normal people, because he’s not that impressed. He sees her as the regular, average person that the hot girl actually is on the inside, and he neglects to give her any special consideration. Hot guys don’t treat hot girls bad, just normal.
But hot girls are used to being treated like goddesses by everyone else.
They are used to a world kissing their feet, unable to see past their glittering shell to their average inside. They are used to a life full of compliments and open doors and free things. They think that’s just the way people treat people. But that isn’t the way people treat people. It’s wonderful when people are polite to each other, but it’s dangerous to become accustomed to an awry paradise where you flash a smile and all the worker bees bring you honey.
So when someone comes along who doesn’t worship the ground she walks on, it’s terrifying.
Hot guys don’t have to be specifically mean to hot girls to make their worlds fall apart. He just has to expect her to buy her own drinks, tell actually funny jokes before he laughs, and do something actually impressive before he is impressed. All he has to do to make her world fall apart is be not particularly interested in fucking her. When she encounters a man who is unwilling to throw down his cloak in service of Her Majesty just for the privilege of looking once into her eyes, she recoils in horror at what a horribly rude, mean person.
But he doesn’t have to be mean or even hot to illicit that label from her, all he has to be is a person looking objectively at another person. Ladies, you want us to stop thinking with our cocks, but when we do, all those fountains of opportunities and freebies and absurdly high esteem will shrivel in proportion to a worth that is based not on the size of your boobs, the girth of your ass, or the length of your eyelashes. You will be treated based on a different kind of worth that might get you far less honey.
When we stop thinking with our cocks, you start getting treated like an average person, and believe me, it’s not always that great.
That’s why hot girls think that hot guys treat them bad.
1- It shall be understood that the above usage of the terms ‘hot girls’ and ‘hot guys’ is strictly in reference to the majority of attractive persons of the respective female and male genders who share in the above-described sentiments. These terms shall not be understood to be applied to all or every attractive member/members of those genders.
or I Don’t Wash After Sex
I don’t wash after sex.
I don’t need to. Sex doesn’t make me dirty, it makes me clean.
Why would I wash you off when I’ve spent so much time and energy getting you on. I want the evidence of you covering all of me from my flushed cheeks to my frazzled feet. I love being seeped in you like a freshly-brewed sex tea. Lots of sugar, lots of cream.
I love your smell on me.
I love getting it on me, and I love having it on me. I love leaving it on me.
I love that when I walk around, people don’t directly know what they’re smelling but they sense something. Some primal part of them must recognize the sweet, forbidden musk and it brightens the day of the sensual few while the squeamish many wrinkle their noses in subconscious shame.
I love the polarizing nature of you on me.
I love the irony in the thought that so many people spend through the roof on designer scents crafted specifically to attract sex to you, and then turn up their noses at the smell of real sex. Why invest so much in your crusade for the aphrodisiac Holy Grail of fragrances, when you can just have actual sex and wear that fragrance.
I know I’ll have to wash you off me eventually, but not until it fades first in my wake. I want to give your smell to the breeze and share it with everyone lucky enough to cross aftermaths with me today.
Your smell is exhilarating and spine-tingling and precious to me, and I don’t want to waste a single drop of it. Your smell slakes my appetite for your afterglow.
I’ll shower tomorrow.