or That Moment When You’re Driving around Naked and Your Heart Jumps into Your Throat Because You Didn’t See the Police Car behind You
She always wanted to drive.
Leaving aside the fact that she’d never driven automatic, much less manual, and that it was the dead of night and unfamiliar road, Victory had definitely had more to drink than was probably wise. Even for an experienced driver.
I hurtled down the pockmarked highway, chasing down the beams of my own headlights, and said to her sideways, “Okay, but only if you’re naked.”
She didn’t say anything, but before I could put the playful punctuation at the end of the sentence, her dress was over her head and tossed in the backseat. She was wearing nothing underneath.
I grabbed for the stick shift as she clambered impulsively on top of me, her skin pressed against my jacket. The steering wheel remained mine as she stretched out the painted tips of her toes to reach the pedals. She was small but I stretched slightly as well to see over the frizz of her lemon-scented hair.
She put her hands on top of mine in a steering wheel sandwich, and we played hide and go seek with the road as quickly as I dared. There was a car behind us, yellow brights shining too closely into my rear window, and I wished that it would pass.
The yellow changed to red and blue, and spelled out T-R-O-U-B-L-E in my rearview in bursts of flashing colored light.
Singing to me the shrill, plaintive cry of a whale in heat.
I tried to buy time, slowly signalling right and drifting to the shoulder. As quickly as it had been pulled off, her dress was now back on, and she was seated daintily in place, chaste hands folded primly in her lap. As the cops signaled us to get out of the car and come over to chat with them, I noticed the tag on her dress was on the outside.
One cop grilled me by his car and the other her by mine. We were just two kids driving home after a small weekend celebration. Yes, license and registration were all in order. No, I had not had too much to drink.
He had been following us ever since the bridge a few “kilometers” back, he subtly jabbed with a knowing twinkle in his eyes. “She’s very beautiful,” and I knew he had the upper hand.
Fortunately, he wanted to fix things in an anticlimactic manner to the tune of a few pesos. The other one extorted a similar amount from her, and we were back on our fully-dressed way.
Well, fully-dressed for a few more miles anyway. And I kept one eye on the mirrors.
or Variety Vs Familiarity
Some nights I need variety.
Some nights I need to say, “Look over there, let’s fuck on that thing!” Some nights I need to find out how new things feel, try out new kitchen counters and living room couches. Some nights I need to swing from new chandeliers.
Some nights I need to explore. I need danger and adventure. Some nights I need public places. Some nights I need days.
And some nights I just need the tender comfort of familiar intimacy.
And fun as it is to sometimes just go all out crazy with the Kama Sutra and the road head and the beach sex and the whipped cream and the handcuffs, some nights you just need your own sex.
Some nights you just need to look into each other’s eyes and make each other cum deliberately. Some nights I need to say, “This is the way we have our sex. This is our thing,” and just do that. Just as amazing as trying all those new things is also having a pattern with someone that you know works for you. A sexual tradition that you can go back to that you know will result in top notch sex for both of you.
We drink, we disrobe, we start here, we move there. She likes when I do that for this long and I like when she ends with this.
Some nights I need surprises and parties, and some nights I just need you with no surprises.
Some nights I need to go to the movies and experience an adrenaline-sucking superhero extravaganza in 4D. And some nights I just need to curl up on the couch with a hot chocolate and watch a procedural on TV.
Booming movie sex has its time and place where it starts in the unknown and gets big and ends bigger. But sometimes sex is like a TV show where you pretty much know what you’re getting into. The characters are familiar, you know it’s going to hit certain plot points, and the ending leaves you wanting to come back for more.
There’s no shame in sometimes trying new things.
And there’s no shame in sometimes just having your own sex.
In summary, this month:
Polyamory is a lot more widespread than many think.
Some form of it is practiced by about a quarter of heterosexual and lesbian couples and about 2/3rds of gay male couples.
Polyphobia shames poly-oriented individuals to cheat on their partners instead of being honest about their sexual orientation.
This is in part the fault of the upstanding polyphobes in Hollywood.
Despite it being a normal part of nature and human nature, multi-partner union remains illegal nearly everywhere, and multi-partner attraction continues to be vilified nearly everywhere.
Poly aversion therapy is much more prevalent than ‘praying the gay away.’
Poly people can also be amazing husbands, wives, mothers, fathers, or just friends.
You can’t become poly or become not poly. You either are inclined that way or you aren’t, in the fluid stream of human sexuality.
PS. I have been non-sensationalizing this issue, image-wise, so I chose a nice hot, steamy one this week to wrap things up.
“How do you do it?”
How do I do what?
“When you’re seeing a girl, how do you keep from falling madly in love with her?”
I do fall madly in love with her.
“So then you stop seeing other girls?”
No, because I’m also madly in love with them.
I get asked this regularly.
“I wanna be single, but I keep falling in love. How do you keep yourself from falling in love with just one person?”
How does grass grow.
How are gay men attracted to men.
The answer is: you don’t do ‘it.’ There is no ‘it’ to do.
You ‘are’ it.
You don’t become poly.
You are poly.
Or you aren’t.
Stop trying so hard.
or The Other Woman
Lying is wrong.
And bullying, assaulting, and humiliating someone because of his/her sexual orientation is worse.
When you give regular, timid humans the choice between 1) coming out of their socially-unacceptable closet to face the public opinion monster and, 2) lying,
They will probably choose lying.
It doesn’t make lying any less wrong, but in that context, it certainly makes it more understandable.
I don’t agree with cheating, but look at the context. -It’s a common movie trope where the girl finds out about her husband’s poly orientation, which he has kept hidden from her due to society’s shaming and banning of it, and to get back at him, she puts drugs (laxative, estrogen) in his coffee. He shits himself or grows giant nipples, and it’s hilarious.
If that was a girl and he put something in her drink without her knowing, then laughed as she made a fool of herself, we’d call it rape.
If that was an LGBT-identified individual struggling to come out of the closet, and his partner (beard) threatened and assaulted her/him, we would call it a hate crime.
Polyphobia is as ugly a problem as homophobia has ever been, and here’s why.
Same-sex marriage is now legal in 19 states. But multiple-simultaneous attraction remains shameful and vilified practically everywhere, and any kind of multi-partner union remains illegal in all 50 states.
The most common percentage figure for same-sex sexual orientation is 10% (some sources say higher, some lower). The most common percentage figure for people who are attracted to more than one person at the same time is 100%.
Almost everyone watches porn or occasionally thinks about someone else even when they’re supposed to be in a monogamous relationship. We’re encouraged to repress that side of us. We’re encouraged to be disgusted by that part of us that thinks with his dick/pussy and is magnetized by the tits/ass/biceps/cock/lips of people who are not our life partner.
With gays we call this type of repression Aversion Therapy. With polys we call it Being Faithful.
In many modern media mediums, polys are depicted as terrible douchebag people who ignore their kids, abandon their families, and steal, lie, and cheat. Polys are the new Germans/Russians/Japanese. Polys are the new villains of the story, discriminated against like we used to do with the races we were at war with. These poly villains, however, are just regular people who happen to have some really bad habits, not one of which is their poly orientation. The presence of these bad habits are completely apart from and have nothing to do with their sexual orientation. Happily monogamous people have also been known to occasionally ignore their kids, abandon their families, and steal, lie, and cheat (see Regular Human Beings).
What these media depictions don’t want us to realize is that you can be a great mother/father/friend/business partner, and yes even a great husband/wife to your primary partner without abandoning your poly orientation.
Polyphobia is the new homophobia. And even the Bible doesn’t encourage polyphobia.
The slippery slope argument is one of the favorite homophobic tropes, but few people are really afraid of a guy fucking his donkey/dog/car as the next step down on the slope. And besides a few Old Testament fundamentalist, non-shrimp-eating types (very few), I don’t think very many people actually even care if some guy they don’t know fucks another guy they don’t know. What they really mean by this slippery slope is that they’re afraid of their own personal, private, exclusive, pegged, claimed little sweetheart sleeping with someone else who isn’t them.
Because once you’re okay with the ethics of consenting same-sex relationships, being okay with the ethics of consenting multiple-sex relationships is the next logical step.
But this is where polyphobia is different from homophobia,
And here’s where the crunch comes because:
Everyone wants to be poly themselves,
But no one wants to let other people be poly.
polyphobia – definition: An extreme and irrational aversion, fear of or antipathy toward polyamory or polyamorists.
A polyphobe is someone who hates or fears polyamorists or treats them badly.
This month, let’s turn our attention to our own fear of or aversion toward the polyamorous people in our life, or the polyamorous side of our own self. Let’s see if we can make a little progress toward clearing up the centuries of hatred and misguided fear that society has directed toward people who love more than one person.
Polyamorists are beautiful, loving, honest people and responsible and productive members of both families and society in general. If we continue to denounce them in our minds and condemn them in our media, we will be closing ourselves off to large, lovely swaths of humanity. Polyphobia compels the millions who form part of this sexual minority to live in ostracism and exclusion – for the timid, in their polyamorous closets, and for the bold, in smoldering and covetous rejection by the small-minded.
Recent statistics demonstrate that some form of polyamory is practiced by 15-28% of heterosexual couples, around the same for lesbian couples, and up to 65% of gay male couples.
It’s time to quit being petty about other people’s sexual lives.
There are a lot more sexual deviants than you might think.