How to Get Away with Smoking:
1. Get sick of people criticizing you for smoking cigarettes.
2. Get horribly addicted to meth.
3. Manage to miraculously quit meth.
4. Everyone congratulates you for the rest of your life for only smoking cigarettes.
1. Be a bad influence.
2. Date spoiled rich princesses.
3. Their rich parents offer to pay you to stop dating their precious daughters.
4. Accept money.
How to Look Really Good:
1. Work out every day.
2. Have good genes.
3. It’s not that hard.
Fight Juvenile Delinquency:
1. Catch a minor smoking weed.
2. Steal the weed.
3. Save the minor.
4. Free weed.
1. Get bitten by a werewolf.
2. Become an astronaut.
3. Go to the moon.
4. BOOM – you’re a permanent werewolf.
or Why You Should Just Stay Home and Jerk Off
When making a case for something, there are a lot of ways to compare the options.
Let’s use your computer as an example.
You can compare for price: cheaper is better.
You can compare for graphics: prettier is better.
You can compare for speed: faster is better.
You can compare for energy: more efficient is better.
You can compare for popularity: the more people like it the better.
You can compare for memory: the better memory, the better.
You can compare for danger: safer is better.
Or you can compare for value – performance rated against cost: the lowest cost for the highest performance wins.
It all depends on what you want out of the product – and out of life.
Sex, it could be said, is more or less the same.
(This week I didn’t write a SexyLittleIdeas article because I was finishing my thesis for the Music Business course I’m taking from Vanderbilt University. This is what I came up with, in case you’re interested.)
If we tie music or anything at all in life, inextricably to money, in terms of worth, it changes the essence of that thing.
This is not necessarily a bad thing, and I’m not here to solve all the problems of capitalism in one essay. But when I think of the worth of music, in terms of monetary value, my relationship with music becomes less like a love affair and more like a rich guy wondering if he has any true friends.
Adding money to anything removes some of its truth.
Money + sex = prostitution.
Money + love = gold digging.
Money + happiness = misery.
Money + family = evil stepmother.
If we want to think about music as something that belongs in the same commodity-driven sentences as: cars, mining, petroleum, lead, cotton – then we should think about its worth primarily in terms of money. But if we want to continue to think about music as something that belongs in the same sentences as: joy, love, creativity, family, friendship, happiness – then we need to define its worth differently.
- #1. If I text you and you don’t text me back for days, you go from ‘Friend’ status to ‘Two People Who Use but Don’t Respect Each Other’ status.
- #2. If you tell me you’re going to do something and then don’t, I reserve the right to tell you I am going to do something and then not do it.
- #3. If we’re gonna hang out, we have to like each other. If we’re just gonna occasionally have sex and go our separate ways, liking each other’s personality is less important.
- #4. If we have plans, me and you, it’s polite to let me know if your plan also involves your friends or your sister or your officemates hanging out with us and for how long.
- #5. If you’re a dick to me once or twice or every once in a while, I understand, we all have tough times. But if you’re a dick to me 4 or 5 times in a row, you’re just a dick. (more…)
or Etiquette at an Orgy
Dear Self-Proclaimed ‘Feminists’ on Tinder,
You say all you want is respect.
Respect takes different faces in different situations. If you showed up naked to an orgy & no one fucked you, that would be a lack of respect. If you strapped your gloves on and climbed into the ring and no one tried to punch you in the face, that would be a lack of respect.
If you have preferences about how you would like to be fucked or punched, your playmate would be wise to listen to you.
I too personally prefer a bit off warm-up before jumping off the diving board into the deep end. But just because you do, criticizing those who don’t doesn’t make you a feminist. And lurking on the fringes of social justice trying to entrap the lame, the sick, and the weak in order to attract more followers to your Twitter or Tumblr doesn’t make you a shero.
You want respect. We here at the orgy want respect too. So please respect our orgy and leave if all you’re going to do is stand in the corner and make killer comments about other people’s buzz.