or Friends and Benefits (In Order of Importance)
I fuck and am fucked in a very comfortable amount by a very few people in a circle of generosity and respect. And maybe that’s why I’m not often willing to put up with lack of generosity and respect.
What I want is more complex than “to fuck.”
I want to fuck sometimes and just to not fuck other times.
I want to give and receive.
I want to feel like she respects me enough in our friendship so that when she grabs a handful of my hair and thrusts her clit into my face, I don’t feel a lack of respect.
I want to respect her enough in our friendship so that when she chokes on my cock, she doesn’t feel a lack of respect.
I want for it sometimes to be Her Day and sometimes to be My Day.
I want to be able to hear/say some days, “I only have 15 minutes, let’s fuck quickly.” And I want to be able to hear/say other days, “I don’t feel like having sex right now, can we just hang out?”
I want to be part of a subset of humans who treat each other like living-breathing-feeling; intelligent-emotional-sexual; honest, complete human beings.
I want community, mutual respect, friendship, and fucking; in that order.
Or I don’t want anything at all.
or 5 Important Differences Between Sex Blogs and Sex Politics Blogs
Sex politics blogs come with an ulterior motive – an agenda that sneaks around the corner behind every word, staining those words, for better or worse, in its own colors.
That agenda may be to promote:
Male rights activism
Here are 5 crucial differences between sex blogs and sex politics blogs:
- 1. Sex politics blogs have an agenda beyond just being sex positive. Sex blogs just love sex.
- 2. Sex politics blogs are often fueled by some kind of outrage over perceived inequality. Sex blogs are fueled by fun.
- 3. Sex politics is about breaking apart. Sex is about coming together.
- 4. Sex politics is about conflict and power. Sex is about enjoying yourself. Both are very necessary and very different. But let’s not mistake one for the other.
- 5. Sex blogs want you to have sex. Sex politics blogs want you to have sex if… There is always an if involved. I just don’t think that sex between consenting adults should come with any caveats.
Bigots deserve to have good sex too.
Both the freaks and the faithful need their fun. My job, as a sex positive writer, is to focus on the fun and leave the politics to the politicians.
I have been guilty of sex politics. I have written about non-monogamy, gay rights, Donald Trump, racism, feminism, victim-blaming, slut-shaming, health, etc, etc. Maybe as long as I keep my agendas varied and conflicting, all of my disparate, day-to-day politics will cancel each other out, and the one resounding message that will emerge from all the noise will be the one that I always intended to convey to you from the beginning, and that is:
- Have fun.
or Sex Negative
Heterosexuals bash gays.
Gays bash bisexuals.
Bisexuals bash transsexuals.
Transsexuals bash polys.
Polys bash swingers.
Swingers bash voyeurs.
Voyeurs bash porn.
Porn bashes feminists.
Feminists bash sex workers.
Sex workers bash sadomasochists.
Sadomasochists bash urophiliacs.
Urophiliacs bash coprophiliacs.
Coprophiliacs bash vanillas.
Sex positive means that we’re positive about sex (between consenting adults). Not just our own sex, all kinds of sex in all kinds of forms.
Why can’t we all be less Sex Politics and more Sex Positive?
or How to Create an Asshole
Beautiful people, both men and women, always seem to have a complicated relationship with reality.
There is a common misconception, however, that beautiful men are equally as spoiled as beautiful women, or:
Really Attractive Men = Really Attractive Woman
This idea is categorically incorrect, and I can prove it scientifically.
First we have to accept one simple assumption, that I think will be easy to agree with. This assumption is that, all other things being equal, the amount of adoring attention you receive is directly tied to the amount of asshole you become. Or, in mathematical terms, where X represents the Amount:
(X)Attention = (X)Asshole
This is human nature:
If you are constantly being told how amazing you are, you will begin to feel very entitled.
If you occasionally get told how amazing you are, you will feel less entitled.
If you rarely get told that you are amazing, you will probably not feel very entitled at all.
Can we agree on that?
Boring Science Box:
There are many studies about the effects of perceived physical beauty upon human psychology that seem to back this up. This series of five studies by Neale and Belmi from the Stanford Graduate School of Business indicated that physically attractive people (to a much greater degree than people with perceived power, self-esteem, empathy, or even integrity) believed they belonged in higher social classes, which in turn motivated them to have increased support for inequality, such as toward minorities.
This is a graph sourced by OkCupid that illustrates the stark difference between the attention attractive women receive and the attention attractive men receive. It shows messages received per day plotted against attractiveness based on user ratings. ‘Women’ are in dark blue; ‘Men’ are in light blue. (This graph was made from analytics of 600,000 messages to 64,000 profiles voted on by 1.5 million users. Here are two articles with more in-depth analysis of the OkCupid study.)
As you can see, even a man at the highest end of attractiveness barely receives the number of messages that almost all women get, every day. Very attractive women, on the other hand, receive much, much, much, insanely much, more attention.
So (perhaps due to an evolutionary flaw in the balance of human predatory reproductive instincts between the genders) beautiful men max out the attention they receive around the same level at which average women are just getting started. In real life (on a scale of how much an Asshole a person becomes due to the Attention they receive based on how Attractive they are) this translates to:
Really Attractive Men = Average Women
Really Attractive Men receive about as much attention as Average Women. This infers that Really Attractive Men feel just about as entitled/spoiled as any Average Women. Because of the approximate parity between the amount of attention they both receive, Really Attractive Men are therefore about the same amount of jerk and the same amount of nice as Average Women.
Really Attractive Women, on the other hand – according to the science – are off the charts in both attention and entitlement. Really Attractive Women receive around 4 – 5 times more attention than both Average Women and Really Attractive Men. Really Attractive Women, it follows, are therefore that much more bratty.
Some studies (such as those on the Halo Effect) indicate that perceived physical attractiveness translates to increased wealth and life opportunities as well as the many social benefits. This OkCupid graph charting job interview requests plotted against attractiveness shows similar trends.
Boring Science Box 2:
Yep, there are also schools of research that back up this correlation between specifically attractive women – not men – and increased entitlement. This study by Evolutionary Psychology professor David Buss from the University of Texas indicated that attractive women calibrated their standards based on their own desirability (more desirable = higher standards), while simultaneously indicating that men’s standards did not correlate with their perceived physical attractiveness.
If you are an Average Man, an Average Woman, or a Really Attractive Man, this idea probably resonates with you.
If you are a Really Attractive Woman, you’re probably thinking right now that I am totally wrong and being a complete dick.
The Beauty Bubble (That Only Time Can Pop)
To you Really Attractive Women I would like to say this: YOU’RE VERY SPECIAL AND WE ALL LOVE YOU!
To the rest of you I would like to say this: DON’T SAY ANYTHING TO UPSET HER, YOU CANNOT FATHOM HOW MUCH OF A BUBBLE SHE IS LIVING IN!
Every single other cave-technology has been heavily upgraded for today’s world.
Marriage and other monogamous relationships are the only thing invented by a caveman that we still do pretty much exactly the same today. But I like to think that most of us are smarter than a caveman.
Monogamy is a technology that we invented as cavemen to serve a purpose – a technology that is now showing its age. It hasn’t aged well.
Whether or not our feelings and needs as humans have evolved since cave-times is not the point. The technology that we use to deal with our feelings and needs has evolved in every single area, with only this one notable exception. Whether or not we make friends or make love differently-than or similarly-to our semi-human ancestors, dealing with those loves and friendships in the same way that they did would be like using an iPhone 1.0 (or a beeper or a telegraph or a homing pigeon) to talk to your buddies when there are now so many options that are objectively better and more “you.”
You don’t have to Tweet or Snapchat if those things are not “you.” You can Skype or text or dial or, really, whatever feels like “you.” But whatever you do, seriously, put away that beeper. You look silly.
Traditional monogamy in today’s world serves the same purpose as a spear. It is something that belongs in museums and private archaeological collections, but you would never take it out hunting, and you would definitely never bring it to the supermarket.
Dear monogamous couples, I see your spear and I raise you a semi-automatic assault rifle with laser sights.
Sports can be dirty. But live commentary by sportscasters can be even dirtier – so much so that sometimes I wonder if these professional ball-followers are intentionally trying to say dirty things on live TV as some kind of an inside joke between them.
Or maybe it’s just me.
Decide for yourself.
As we near the end of a possibly historic season in the NBA, here are some of the filthiest things I have heard sports commentators get away with saying on the air this year.
“Howard tries to put the tip in but he’s swallowed up by his man.”
“Watch Harden take two men in the backcourt.”
“Just a little bit of dribble then penetration by Klay Thompson.”
“The former Magic member driving deep, straight to the hole.”
“Then he gets eaten alive by Anthony Davis from behind.”
“Varejao inside but unable to finish.”
“Irving on the corner gives a hand off for profit.”
“Westbrook, pulling it back, then he gives it to Ibaka who is wide open.”
“Harden tries to get it up quickly.”
“Cantor and Westbrook, tag teaming Howard who likes taking it to the rim.”
“He’s a young player and they’re riding him with his 18 points.”
“John Wall with the reach behind as Varejao was exploding to the hole.”
“Speights was stripped, wanted the body bump but didn’t get it.”
“That’s what you call a wet jumpshot.”
“They’re allowing a little bump and grind, letting them play at both ends.”
“You have to keep a body on him because he has a very soft touch downtown.”
“Crabbe gave that Spalding a spanking!”
…and my personal favorite:
“See, that’s how you play your man perfectly – use a few pumps to get him up, then you go straight into his body.”
Warm credit and sloppy thanks to sportscasters: Jim Barnett, Bob Fitzgerald, Derek Harper, Mark Followill, Mark Jackson, Jeff Van Gundy, Mike Green, Marv Albert, and Chris Webber.