amy schumer’s: sex acts for girls
or Pound for Pound
“There’s no good (sex acts) for girls. There’s no like ‘Wacky Shirley’ where she sits on his face and reads her tweets. We have nothing. Does anyone know one that’s good for the girl? Anybody?”
–Amy Schumer (Live at the Apollo)
We tried to come up with a few.
Sex Acts that Are Good for Her and Degrading for Him
The Baby Bird
Bring a man to climax via oral sex and hide the cum in your mouth without him knowing. Once he is fully relaxed and completely unsuspecting in the afterglow, lean in for a sweet little post-sex kiss, and surprise him by passing him a big mouthful of his own cum.
The Human Vibrator
When a woman forces a man to continue going down on her until she climaxes, with no regards for his comfort. The Human Vibrator may be accompanied by her grabbing his hair and directing his face into her thrusting groin or scraping her nails down his back while squirting into his open mouth and nose.
(Anne Carol and SLI)
When the woman forces her partner to watch her have sex with another man.
When the man is taking forever to cum, probably because he drank too much as usual, whisper, “Are we there yet? Are we there yet?” over and over into his ear.
The Michael Phelps
Squirt relentlessly all over his bed, then make him sleep in the puddle. If he snores while sleeping in the puddle, this is known as Singing in the Rain.
The act of a woman sitting on her subserviant’s face for the majority of the day.
Pound for Pound
This involves one man and two women, which sounds wonderful to him at first. Unknown to him, however, while he performs oral sex on Woman One (her lying back on the bed and him on all fours near the edge), Woman Two penetrates him forcefully in the ass with a strap-on. (Also known as Returning the Compliment, Just Desserts, the Cum-uppance, and The Black Death.)
(Anne Carol and SLI)
All Smoke, No Fire
Where he’s eating her ass and she rips a fart.
Right when he’s about to cum, begin talking about his mother or how you hope he gets you pregnant or some other cock softener. As soon as he is soft as a sponge, leave.
Right when he is about to cum, slip the head of a Q-tip down his urethra while squeezing his balls tightly.
The Amy Schumer
When you laugh at the man the whole time you’re fucking him, like he’s a not-so-stand-up comedian.